“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Today speaking to someone made me think of when i wud b with my maternal grandmother. Once she said to me "Thats the truest thing you've ever said"...as if I lied about everything all the time. Ok so addicts lie when they are active. So what? Her son was active for years. Way worse than I. Her daughter my mother was an outright liar and trying to be manipulative. So why was I always so horrible?

I heard from someone early on in this that my family's cruelty to me was infamous.

So why would anyone not believe me? My mother's family were always shunning me and degrading me, always keeping me down and trying to make me think I wasnt smart.

If my grandfather was such a monster to his children and my uncle worked for the mob in some violent capacity then why am I such a bad person in comparison?

My grandmother actually was the cause of alot of the unrest and deceptions among members of my family.  She was the one who had central control. Who would lie, cover and manipulate people.  She was the one who was controlling that family. And she knew what her husband did to her children and still she coddled him and encouraged her children to do so.

Why was everything disbelieved that i would say or claim when in fact the people in that family of bad character were my uncle, my grandfather? My aunt was a prostitute for years...yet she never got labeled, targeted or mistreated. My mother is obviously a child abuser and has claimed privately to have been associated with a crime organization- "the syndicate" she said.

Yet my grandmother is the person most resembling someone involved in spying. Having such a talent for central control over many people and for diplomacy is no small feat.

She coddled my grandfather despite his crimes against her children yet Ive heard her saying derogatory, snobbish things in reference to him, as in bragging about her position in the US Marines with her working with generals in her position and my grandfather just being a fighter out on the field. "To someone like him, that was, you know, impressive....".

Someone like him?? A country boy from a Europeans house servants in New Orleans who used to live near a bayou, who called Cajuns his friends. Her New England Yankee snobbery was apparent, yet this man she put above her own children.

I know my maternal family. Ive always known they were fucked up, self deluded, illogical and compartmentalized. Of course when I would see through this and counter it with my tendency towards having my father's DNA which was totally foreign to them, they would of course squelch any logic or rebellion (or common sense) by shooting out quickly and sternly that I now sounded like my father. 

Just becuz u work for Italians breaking legs or have babies with one doesnt give you the insight and abilty think as one. And Eastern European people arent stupid, they actually excell in the sciences and politics. Especially rebelling and not giving in, at any cost, against authority.

So why is it as the prettiest, most talented, smartest person by DNA and life experience in that family, am I the one living on the street for years on end, discredited and now becoming ill physically?

Becuz its taken a major effort of literally thousands of people involved in a covert network spanning the USA, part of the conspiracy started here at home, to even destroy me to just this point.

And people want to believe my maternal family and not me. Becuz some faction in power has helped that family cover their asses and engineered it so that they win and I lose even though I had more power and resources within me than they all have as a family unit.

Who protects this scum? Their precious syndicate? This would fit in well with the kinds of people and locations in which i get harassed. And that perhaps organized crime and intelligence services do indeed work together, as shown by the Iran Contra scandal.

Ive been told by kids Ive met travelling who u can tell are in on this, though they feel much worse about the situation than perps who are overt or strangers do. They have said that what will become of me is that I will become a controversial writer.  That is all I am going to be able to accomplish with my life, when I had so much more to me than that?

With my health deteriorating I now  more clearly percieve the loss of my faculties, all I had going for me and the loss of years.

Rebecca in St Louis MO told me that I come from a family of jealous women anyway. As if this is some rationale for the horrible experiences I have had.

How does a family sell a child out to human experimentation? Or programming? This 'syndicate' spoken of?  What doesnt make sense is this same woman who thought she was such a badass, my mother, seemed to not know the full scope of her being a radiation experimentee as connected to MK Ultra when her status as military experimentee was discovered by her.

People at the Dept Of Energy led her like a child (very common in her case) and then, when she was going to join the class action lawsuit, dropped it outright, claiming she was "followed". She even said "I was followed" in the manner of a child caught doing something wrong but with a tad of her sick sadistic scense of humour. How controlled by authority ARE these people? Doesnt justice account for anything or countering the abuse of power??

Then she equates my being gang stalked with harassment from the syndicate. She had me in the car alone during early Bush years when this went 24-7.

"When I was working with the syndicate, I always took the harassment to mean 'know your place, bitch'".

First of all it really shows she was beaten down by male authority in early childhood, it also shows a creepy identification with the aggressor(s). I'd heard her talk like an abusive male many times before.

Since when does the syndicate get an entire perp group into a Greyhound bus in the Southwest, gas a Target through the air vent in the ceiling then experiment on them??? Then gas the person again to awaken them.

It seemed like me knowing my place wouldnt have saved me from this fate anyway.

Its possible she is so compartmentalized and controlled that she genuinely cannot make the connections or make sense of the situation.

When I have plates breaking by themselves in my apartment and Satanic content, specifically that connected to the Church Of Satan, not other factions invading my apartment in Brighton, there is something a bit bigger going on than some mafia bs.

Ive had multiple people intimate that its mafia based and that the entire campaign of Satanism etc is just illusion to freak me out.

Some homeless scum in Barbara McGuinness once made fun of me by saying "...and she would actually believe it too." Of all the stuff people try to put out there. Yet these are usually low lifes from homeless populations here in MA around Boston. 

I actually dont believe things that I know are meant to freak me out but Ive seen things and lived though things much more extreme than the bullshit that MA locals try to mindf*ck me with. In real life. Usually in places far from MA like the midwest or southwest. Also what I experienced in my apartment though it really happened,  much of the content was obviously from druggings or the use of the tech so documented by the TI community. Or, Cheney's 'Spoonbenders', the psychic agents who work for the elite, or government Ive never clarified which.

This is far bigger than something local.  Actually i can imagine foreign investors who own us now or organized crime would do something like this to people.

I suppose looking at the situation now, Ive become aware of the situation in its entirety becuz I am.more intelligent, multitalented, Willful and conscientious.

My other maternal family members could never come this far. Still, its hard to keep from wanting revenge. They certainly deserve it.

But whats the point of beating subservient dogs? Who only know how to cower at their master's feet?

People side with my maternal family becuz we as Americans have become a country of wimps, too controlled, scared and weak to stand up for our country and its orignal culture against the real foriegn invaders-corporations. And people like Bush and Co whove committed so many war crimes against Americans.

My family represents your average compliant,wimpy American who cant stand up to corruption, who sides with dirty cops just becuz they have badges-for their own profit and protection.

I get called trouble maker. My mothers family gets to have great lives.

Yet Ive not yet begun to cause trouble btw.

And my family, by my position now in this I see-were always inferior to me in talent, looks, intelligence and most of all, guts.

So I in a way have come to my proper place, as oil rises in water. Its better.than 'knowing your place'. Especially as dictated by a malecentric bunch of dirty murdering criminals WHO ARE ALLOWED TO EXIST by the true powers that be.

I still want revenge for the damages done by MA s