“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

attempted brainwash again/suicide not favored by system nowadays

The content.of what.I.get now is that I am weak. That the people around me that did.this too me want.me out of the way. That I.am percieved as.a lesser person q slave or.servant basically. That I.need.to.go on with my life as.a nice girl.would. And be.quiet about what was.done.to me over the last many years.

That no lawyer is going.to help me. That I am a joke. That no one.is going.to take me seriously.

That this is the real world. That this is what life is abut you lose and you acceptance.it

That my only chance to make.it with this.ill health.is.to contact my mother and beg my family to take me back.which would include taking a label of mental illness.

That I can't.keep running like this I must stop and.face my.problems (but that consists of.being.silent.about past years of abuse and torture and injustice.)

That I can't.keep acting like I am young.

This.is ALL accompanied.by low level sexual stimulation connected to my being abused, controlled and humiliated over the past many years.especially the part.of this program where sex is used in this abusive.manner.to condition the Target's body and mind.to infiltrate and.break the Willpower center.of the person or supersede their Will.

Its.more of like a mechanism used to break their Will. Its conditioned into the person over time.

They just mke sure you keep meeting handlers who abuse you and exploit you. Being surrounded by nothing but abuse and negwtivity you eventually accept.that.

I felt suicidal tontight and last night. As usual the system wants.to keep me alive at all costs but wants.me.silenced at all costs as well. They r desperate to get me to move on in life as.if none.of.this happened.or.was real.

I just want to.suicide. I don't want.to try for freedom.anymore. And I don't.want.to go overseas just to die inadequate strange country without getting my book written. I just want to die. Soon. I don't want to go through this. I don't.want.to be tortured anymore or brainwashed.or interfaced. Ultimately I don't.want to be forced into.what.they want and be silenced as.if nothing ever.happened.

But nowadays, unlike the Bush era they won't.let me die. They seem.to really want.to get people to.live with PTSD as.if nothing happened.

But only in places with strong electromagnetic tech do.I run memories over and over again like this UNTIL I want.to.l suicide. On the off schedule- Sundays, after 12 midnight etc, or in a.location with no cell reception do I not run the memories over and over again.

So they are driving.TIs to.this but then somehow they want.to ensure the person is broken and reformattd like a labotomy.

Why would they want this instead.of suicide? They wanted me dead so badly during Bush.

In a way Bush was much more tolerable than a lot of other presidents. Perhaps if.I.had died then I wouldn't be going.through this now. Just rotting away physically and mentally.

Perhaps the Bush era or the people in power during.that time were.trying.to do me a.favor.

Becuz death is much more preferable.to this.

Why not suicide? My life is only going.to get harder as.age comes.and.health.falls apart more.

Why.do they want me.to.live.so badly?