“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Texas Or MA? Which Strain Of Misery Do You Prefer?

i just got easily talked into giving my travel plans away to one of two homeless guys who happened to be at this truck stop but stay at the shadiest shelter in San Antonio.

That is how f*cked up living in that house has made me. Its ridiculous.

Since I became a resident here I.am Targeted with different content. its more about confomring and that i am not important compared to the herd and i have to look at how others see me. I feel Ive lost my inner strength from being MA resident. Yet life seems a bit easier.

Also now my maps are jammed more regualrly something that never happened before. Its like they have carte blanche to do whatever they have to to block or stifle me.

I.am also getting a lot of beat down or the feelings i am JUST a female and not capable of doing things i usually would find natural in my nature to do.

this entire time Ive been blocked and targeted and my maps jammed with the constant ideation to give up and return to that house. WITH repeated vision of the house as well.

It genuinely feels like being cattle herded. A stray steer must be made to go the direction they want it to.

I think this little MA born fishy needs to swim out of here as soon and fast as possible and change my residency back to someplace that though crushingly difficult and holds back its underclass, at least firmly believes in individuality and always kept me going to write my book.

TX is depressing. I don't know why but it is. A depressing sunny easy going place with a fairly easy to achieve good quality of life.

I would prefer being back home in the snow, naturally taking to writing due to the cold weather. Thinking, coming up with ideas and writings. Its the cold that does it.