Last few days been bad. Walked around feeling like a zombie. It was awful. Yesterday snapped..all I could do at end of evening while trying to do laundry reaching East Boston was to drop N bomb a few times and look nuts. It was a few days of literally feeling like I was under some sort of spell or influence. It ended today. I have an ATT temporary phone and I took battery out last night seemed to help a bit. I also had some of the absolute worst suicide ideations. For days and the content was strangely always about shooting myself in the head. I keep getting that as a way to go which is ridiculous becuz if things get really bad I always had a plan to check out and it was not so violent. Females usually take pills or something more gentle. Men usually use weapons or leap from buildings etc. And I know nothing about guns, so its an odd choice.
This month has to be one of the single worst months in all the history of my being targeted. This Summer one of the most difficult. Something is really trying to keep me from my activism and has hacked my email with the EYEWONDER virus so I get logged out right away. There must be smething in there they dont want me to see and TIs cause must be making progress or something is going on becuz I am being fried the shit out of lately with remote influence. Its not physical torture as during Bush its worse- its psychological content. Awful really. Thoughts and feelings are focused on.
I am being pushed to either leave the country via Canada or shoot myself in the head. How am I going to go to Canada with little money, what will I do when winter comes? If Bosotn is too humid due to my mold exposure allergy condition I imagine Canada is going to be worse. What magically somehow I am going to get a way to Europe? How? ANd with what money?
This is all bullsh*t. Somebody is getting very nervous is what I think is going on. Its either to get Romney in or its that the TI cause is making progress. Dont know which.
Getting ALOT of very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that end up where my whole life is just lived in different areas of this place, experiencing it as a isolation chamber with an observation room in a lab but its in public spaces this is accomplished.
I refuse to leave the USA without a plan that is better than just showing up at a border. though if what is in store is bad enough that might just be the next move.
All I want to do is get a few things done here and I am not ever coming back here. Or perhaps they are afraid I have what I need now as well as support here to take legal actions.
