“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

tormented for last few days. was ok until host put in new modem for satelite tv and had to reset his Sisco router. Felt totally targeted ever since.

I was getting heavy beep twice by a steady stream of cars going by. It turned into days this went on. By saturday night when I was left alone for the evening I suppose I finally snapped and responded becuz I burst into a rather loud stream of self talk to calm myself as well as try to focus on what I was doing. It is a coping skill that this system knows I have only too well and it seeks to trigger this response in me not just becuz its good to discredit me as mentally ill by documenting me self talking or the content ( I was actually warned about this by an informant once on a bus who told me this was attempted to be used against me during the federal investigation years to try to discredit me within the context of the any and all capacities I could be a victim witness. The perps did even indeed at one phase years ago try to suggest repeatedly that I self talked becuz I has MPD and was 'talking' to my other 'selves', which is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of in my life.

It seems this system and the people involved will do anything to ensure that a Survivor like myself doesnt actively recall any memories before the age of 6 which I was doing when this got very bad during Bush and the federal investigation around friends of my associates. One black woman about civil rights era age, used to be a nurse so those two factors, shes got some humanity left- dropped me one piece of information I will probably say is the most accurate reason for this entire campaign to discredit and silence me: that I recognized a diplomat who was on tv while in my apartment alone and was covertly recorded doing so. This particular film clip of this diplomat was from the 1970's which would mean my saying innocently "hey I recognize that man...where do I recognize him from?" would mean that such things like that are the kinds of content the people in this system are trying to prevent from being recalled.
The black woman told me that since I stated those words, I was a "dead woman walking". Her description of me exactly.

This incident is not so far off either from possibility as I had only a few flashes of memory from before the age of 6 and my mother used to brag about dating this son of a foriegn prince...well one version of the story was son of a prince, then another version was son of a DIPLOMAT. It was either Saudi or Persian...something that direction of the globe. Maybe even Iranian.

Then again are these all more cover stories? Perhaps MK Ultra or federal investigations are not as important as programmed kiddies being used as spies unknowingly.

All I know is that no authorities are concerned with getting any information from me. Everyone is interested in my silence and my eventually being pushed into taking my own life. Another alternative I am sure is simply becoming a bag lady. Those seem like the outcomes they want.

What is the life of one little girl, now too old for anyone to care about compared to the multiple levels of important men I could implicate both before the age of 6 and again in my 20's? This is why no one cares about me supposedly. Its not that they dont care about ME its that they care alot more about my enemies, simply put.

That dead woman walking comment pissed me off though. Hmph, its kind of laughable a bit. How can I be a 'dead woman walking'? I am programmed from birth remember? In my self knowledge I am in some perceptions dead to begin with. Then there is the issue of my going through suicide programming so I by rights as an Expendable Mind Controlled Slave or programmed Expendable should have been dead on schedule and this system interferred. Internally I still dont think it was right for them to interfere and would have never suffered or been damaged had I suicided on schedule.

So how is it that these bozos believe that these threats and terrorism tactics are supposed to hurt me? In many parts of programming, there are alters that ARE death or fused with death. Wtf are YOU talking about, becuz I already know who I am.

Average people might think issues of internal programming are complicated or confusing but to me and probably others like me, your human world outside of our internal programming is whats confusing. You do and say things that dont add up literally. You dont make sense. You act like you know and understand how to deal with people like us yet you make errors constantly. Do you do this to confuse and destroy us? It really is just a repeat of errors.

This may also be another part of experimentation. Cruel but effective for what they might be trying to do: Isolate the programmed human being from all the human contact they know and then you can whittle them down to just what exists internally. You destroy all the humaness the person posesses, I suppose in order to study someone programmed you might want to do this simply to be able to focus on programming or the part of the person that is computer like without the interference of any personality they had formed socially in thier lives.

No one is going to stop this becuz by this stage the TI is isolated from most people including all of the people they used to know before this system took them hostage. Also the Target has no power to make it stop, no money no resources. Society cares little for the life of one person.

so I got the constant beep twice by cars going by until I gave them what they wanted; and every time I live in this location they seemed to have always done things to force me to self talk to cope with anxiety. Most likely this is recorded or observed.

I talked for like 10 hours. I made myself sick, didnt eat and my throat became sore when I should have been relaxing and sleeping. The neighbors got an earful and if any of them are in on this either as perps or just by standers who know only the cover story we now have more discreditation.

Also just to rub it in they got what they wanted, after that I have not recieved any beeping or other noise campaign going by the apartment.

Most likely also they wanted to know what was on my mind at that time but it felt more like they wanted me to perform on cue. Forcing me to be akin to a dancing bear is very popular with this system. GAINING AND MAINTAINING CONTROL OVER THE TI IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF GANG STALKING, ESPECIALLY GANG STALKING A SURVIVOR OF MIND CONTROL PROGRAMMING.

Today I lost it completely. Most likely due to my anger over losing control on Saturday to this system. I also am staying somewhere full of blacks but I note that they are civil here. THE SECOND YOU SET FOOT IN BOSTON PROPER THERE APPEARS AFRICAN AMERICANS WHO CAUSE DISRUPTION, HARASSING INTERACTION, ARE FORWARD, ARROGANT, and in general just obnoxious, coddled a-holes who look at anyone who's white especially appears poor and white like an inferior. This disgusting 'rich whites and thier house slaves' show begins and I am the loser in this every time.

From being rested and being around normal human beings for a few weeks who act civily and decent, its much more evident that the bullsh*t I encounter constantly in Boston proper, on the train lines, buses and on the street IS PSY OPS. Its part of a constant show that is kept up within the city limits of Boston and Cambridge. I believe this is yes, to handle specific Targeted Individuals but its also for mass mind control and managment of the area. It seems that the informants I have experienced telling me that there was a campaign in Boston as part of gentrification to "drive everyone out that didnt have" any money or value are correct in that claim- and that campaign to drive people out certainly seems to include psychological operations and covert activities in public spaces. Social control through gang stalking being used in key areas.

You see this more obviously in places like NYC, Boston etc. Places that are small, congested and desperate to define specifically what kind of scene they want to maintain in these areas. In San Diego city limits, specifically down town, there is enough heavy remote influence through technologies to hold anyone down. Its impossible to fight. When one goes outside those parameters to say, Chila Vista, this is not the case and one can think, feel and behave normally. Thus the onset of aggressive and frequent but usually singular vehicular stalking and harassment of a TI, which seems to utilize detailed intel about the subject to create the content of the harassment of the Target.

So needless to say I had what good time I could make out of telling people walking around Comm Ave next to BU that I hated rich people and BU sucked, screaming at people really. I was pissed so why not walk in the rain from BU bridge to Kenmore right? And I used the N bomb frequently to describe the rich whites counterparts in the designed social scene. I think I also indulged in threatening every person who ever betrayed me as well as thier families with nice fantasies of thier deaths. If anyone has that one record its not going to do much to get me sympathy. Its going to do alot to discredit me, which is why I document this stuff. Becuz it SHOULD be used to document and track not only my reactions to being tormented for so long but individual instances of my reactions so that people can always see that its not random. Its not mental illness and its not that I am a horrible person.

Upon letting off this venom I got this ideation that pissed me off of course that this was a good thing. That I was now closer to telling what happened to me, closer to confessing, closer to facing these issues as legal ones.

When I got home an annoying ideation came up that this was good also becuz I was not closer to giving into deprogramming and behavior modification. That getting in touch with this rage would force me to get in touch with my true feelings about this and so on to the next phase of modification.
This ALL felt very forced and it was all against my Will.

I know damn well that this is so bad right now becuz the people where I live remind me of real, old skool Boston but as long as tech is present, there will now always be control. k