I have to leave MA for good this time. Its obvious that I will never be tolerated here. I had an appointment to go to Mass Rehab tomorrow to get set to go to UMass. I just can't. Every place I have gone in MA I have been harassed so se erely over many years that I can't imagine that I would be left alone trying to attend school there. I also wanted to use their labs to go over years of video and audio to putting my book together. I was naive to imagine that I wouldn't be monitored and messed with there the way I had been in the past. I must remember that the kids and older employees at UMass have been very mocking of me and especially cruel during Bush. I don't think trying to push the plans I had of going in 2004 at this stage of things is a good idea.
MA has become extremely uninhabitable to me. I also get stared at, constantly harassed in small subtle ways around Cambridge. A few years ago I was mocked and messed with by locals in a little old factory town on the MA border. To apply to school I have to be realistic about the way the US has treated me all these years. That too many people seem to know me nationwide. That rich kids on Jakes level will forever torment me here, to protect their own kind, the sleaze in the music scene and the drugs/dealers and adult entertainme.t people.
To have someone scream your name from a house on a street as you wander through Davenport Iowa is very unsettling. Is this all covert ops from state actors or has the public been shown something, like hiding black ops under the guise of some reality show set up or exposed video tape? I cannot keep living with not understanding what is going on and only publishing MY version of events will set my mind at rest.
Kids who hang out at the Middle East seem to know I am being destroyed this way and are cruel in siding with this system that insists it did no such harm to me...just these young girls from the rock clubs. They get to be domineering and mean to me by looking at me domineeringly and saying "And there IS no conspiracy theory". I live in an entire nation that has and is supporting the harassment of and destruction of me by really horrible covert forces, of which they shouldn't even have any knowledge of. This is connected to MK Ultra and my mother's status as a radiation experimentee documented.
How the hell do local regular citizens fit into that?
I am done with this circus. The country is just gone. Its hopeless. Anyone targeted during Bush now realizes that they are permanently unwelcome.in the New World Order version of the USA.
And its not conspiracy theory that brought me into this situation. I can't get health care I can't seem to muster the Will to find lawyer that will at least sue.for the believable stuff that's documented.
Going to UMass is a very bad idea obviously.
And I keep getting flashes of people who were known to me or were involved as.if they are the main problem people involved and I am sick of that as well. My cousin Christen Noel her Father Tommy Willems and the industry connected individual who gave Jake a gig on his video. As of today am gettin
g ideations and flashes of going home to my grandmother's house in Waltham as a sort of final surrender and place to give up.
None of this crazy bs happens outside of the inner city limits of Boston and Cambridge. And only in the state of MA am I so miserable and unhealthy.
Some faction in MA now seems to be pushing to end this and put an end to my travelling and fighting, yet not allowing me to attend school. I feel very dominated and shamed here. I feel as if my mother has won of I give in. I recall that girl in McLeans hospital that said to me "THEY are mad at you becuz you are not accepting your situation." That directly ties in mentally for me with my mother getting me alone in the car when she turned on me and said " You k.ow, I always took the harassment as to mean 'know your place, bitch'". If I don't go to school to finish this book and I also return to my maternal grandmothers house, a sure show of submission, then I am most certainly 'knowing my place' and 'accepting my situation'.
I can't allow that to happen. That would break me permanently which my mother and this system has been trying to do all my life.
Also the way my sexuality is now so tied to the State or the police as 'owning' me sexually due to years of sexual abuse along with classical conditioning I would be submitting to that malecentric, patriarchal entity finally, with my mothers family as caretakers, but I would really be 'married' to the police therefore the authorities or the state. I cannot allow this to ever happen.
This would be the final stages of re education.
It means I have to leave MA and I can never return as long as I live.
too many people know me here as a figure of mockery or hatred and this place seeks only to supress me ultimately and ensure I never write that expose and if I do by the time its completed I be an unhealthy washed up old woman who is completely handled.
My mother gave into this system by going back to that god damn house and her health has deteriorated and she has no fuckin life.
Thats the address I lived at when I was originally targeted in 96 with panic attacks and IC which I now understand is totally brought on by tech. There are powerlines nearby and Polaroid left a toxic mess behind. 128 tech center right behind the house connected to the military industrial complex?
F*ck no.
MA is finally going to get their way. Out of sight out of mind is what they want and they can have it now. No one that lives here sympathizes with me at all anyway. MA will never be the same again. This bitch is owned by acedamia and the Military Ins. Cmplx and other factions that don't care for me either. I will never get any justice living here. I have to attack from a safe distance.
