“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

being targeted subtley and constantly into silenced victim witness

I find myself markedly weakened compared to when I first showed up back home. The loss of my long time companion the netbook was bad enough but seems to have handicapped me more than I realized.

I've become not only weakened but sidetracked. I now focus on my future as most important as opposed to rectifying the past.

I think seeing how many people have NOT been concerned about me or how many people throughout this have not looked to me or asked about me shows a certain lack of care on everyone's part who knew me before the harassme.t turned 24/7 during Bush. Its as if I don't exist. I no longer sleep outside and I have become accustomed, conditioned rather to going daily to one.specific day drop in where I seem to get stuck and can't leave for the duration of the day. Once again its the very heavy influence if tech within the city limits.
I can't even prepare properly for medical appointments which its taken me months to be able to make to begin with.

The lack of Will that I felt was due to some influence here in the early 2000's when I felt it obviously interfering with my doing paperwork for a lawsuit against Olnick (I had to leave and go to Vermont to be able to get the paperwork done) is now more subtle and prevelant than ever.

There is a system of conditioning at this day drop in that has been very detrimental. Today I heard staff talking about someone who donates food to the place. One advocate said that when the woman arrived to donate food, she purposefully "ignored, ignored ignored " her becuz she knew the woman wanted a reaction of gushing thank yous from staff for her charitable actions.

I thought it was rather emotionally stingy to avoid such a simple reward to someone. They must not be suffering financially too much.

This made me realize that all the moments they go from resonding to me in a kurt manner to speaking normally to me as well as limiting the things we can discuss or words we can use are all part of conditioning. I know this place is part of behavior modification but the stress involved with stifling myself as well as becoming dependant and lazy and of course winter has gained me 20 lbs. All I funk about now is food. Its like the only thing I have left that I derive pleasure from as my health gets worse and my other issues go unaddressed.

I have experienced some mild remote influence in this place that has over time altered who I am as a person. There is specific evidence and what I am refering to does not occur at other day drop ins.

I at last weigh in am one BMI point away from being obese, the heaviest I have ever been in my life: 197 lbs. Being 5'8" and with somewhat muscular build as well as shapely it doesn't look all that bad. I am not round. What bothers me is.this is acceptable in the homeless scene or welfare culture.

One woman who's a meaner variety of drunk locally exclaimed that I looked healthy due to gaining weight. I know she was being deceptive rewarding an unhealthy behavior. NO I LOOK OVERWEIGHT. She commented that I looked unhealthy at 173 lbs when I arrived last summer, which is still 20 lbs overweight for me.(Its obvious not to trust those who's faces and ears look especially demonlike. They do exist. I've seen regular people with such features and the police and security with such features and a powerful build are of most concern. Of course I never fear them, one must simply respect what they are capable of, who's side they are on and to listen most carefully to a forked tongue's words. Like falsified compliments concerning weight gain that is detrimental to health. They are nothing more than one more variety of human being on this planet nothing else. Its very much like a video game with various characters. Its laughable that one can experience more information about the metaphysical realities of this plane in modern video games than is allowed to be acknowledged in real life...which is on purpose I assume, lol. Like I said before I work mostly off of research, fact and life experience, but these little oddities make the ordeal bizarre sometimes.)

This is why they target the TI into this culture. Its dumbed down and people do not care for themselves properly.

It seems to be all about keeping me overweight and only focused on enrolling in UMass. My health issues are still being neglected for the most part. It took Hsrculean strength of Will, only available in a burst to finally make these appointments for my allergic reactions.

I am not being allowed to seek a lawyer for any of the concerns I have which are various and valid.
I am now forgetting things at the speed of light. My mind seems repressed.

There is a presidential biocommitee on May 18th in NYC. I am being steered away from that just as I am being steered away from all my activism recently. Some ideation today told me its best to keep quiet about being targeted, that there is some danger about coming forward.

Just yesterday or whenever I posnted that my faith in humanity had been restored slightly due to small event, I posted that finally (i was going to post it anyway later) due to being given the strong ideation that the criticisms of Jews or local blacks was driving some authorities somewhere to consider me heavily for a concentration camp, which I was threatened with coming into existence at month's end. I was also given the idea that speaking out about how I have been targeted for years at this committee would make me a.candidate for these camps. And finally that enrolling in UMass would exempt me from the camps due to student status opposed to my status now as just a homeless woman technically.

Either these are events that are going to come to pass and this is the guidance system per usual or these arie harassing threats meant to keep me silenced and discredited (no legal rep or putting cases together that would show conspiracy over time) as a victim witness to various crimessq one of them of course being long term torture and imprisonment.

The mind control influence is now constant and subltr enough to not be detected readily. Its constant and by the minute now. With my defenses down due.to months of conditiig.