“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Monday, September 27, 2010

Leaving USA as a way out of torture/Gen X women searching for thier missing gold the system stole

Its not been easy lately. Cambridge is getting to me very badly. Whatever influence is there, remote tech as well as human forces is becoming a major problem. I am starting to let my looks go as well as my figure. This is of course due to not traveling but I am stuck in a rut now. I have to be realistic about how much Cambridge has to answer for. Everyone from the police to the Middle East club and thier part in what I heard was helping Jake frame me for the cover story. There are so many people there that either look guilty or look like they have to convince themselves that I am the villain in order to cover thier obvious guilt.

The little problem they are having is that Cambridge is my birthplace. I have alot of spiritual power there. They of course believe that the influence of Cambridge MA on my earthly vessel is going to be the one that was put on me the day of my birth- a curse. Two Tarot readers from different location at different times have told me the exact same thing at the beginning: "A woman cursed you the day you were born" or "You were cursed the day you were born". One reader said that 'woman' was my mother. How much of this is planned psych warfare is up to question, now that I have seen how many people are in on the network.

Cambridge doesnt make me feel like a researcher or an activist. Cambridge MA makes me feel like a victim. A loser. A had been. But too keep leaving becuz of harassment is letting the forces that make that so, win. This is unacceptable. The more I run from what has been left behind there the more that it rips me apart, robs me of what should have been mine and not only allows the behavior modification to have power over me but keeps bringing back suicide as the only option out of such a heavy sense of loss.

I can never rest until I somehow retrieve what was lost from 335 Washington st Brighton MA. My life ended there or was thrust into this limbo or whatever one would like to call it. There is no way out of it but to at least expose the truth of events to the public.

It doesnt matter if no one believes me. It has to be written somewhere so that the information exists in the physical plane. Its the only way to reconstruct the true timeline. Something keeps telling me to just write it. That its important.

I easily have all the information in my head and documented (and hid in 4 different places so getting it off me is useless). And those are just reminders. The whole thing is stored in my brain just as my progammers intended.

What bothers me about this is that in the end that will be the ultimate proof that MK Ultra works if used on programmed people. That is not a good result for any mind control survivor. This shouldnt be used on anyone ever at any time. What it will prove is that the behavior modification program doesnt work. That it can be blocked by pure Willpower if not using under one’s Will what is left of internal programming.

I really want to get out of the US and the American continent altogether. I hear that Europe is also getting really stupid with the same kinds of programs as well.

I like reading English newspapers like Daily Mail. Some of it sounds rather naive or geared towards common people but they often bash American culture. Its so great..to be stuck over here and read that at least someplace in the world with similar culture isnt worshipping the crap that pours out of the USA. The USA’s downward spiral into a trash dump, made to look legitimized by Conservative Re[ublicans and made nicey nice by the PC cult of the Liberal Democrats has left the culture with nothing that is real, nothing that reflects what many Americans are really going through. In fact many of us have similar sentiment to the articles I have read dissing American culture. Its very useful to me as to see a reflection of that sentiment manifested in the real world. It becomes rather obvious that its just not allowed in mainstream media what is happening to the USA. No one in the mainstream talks about it no one focuses on it; everybody skirts around the issues. Its mentioned here and there but its said in the manner of a vaquished foe of the oppressor. As if to even mention it is passe and pointless.

It makes me sad to think that one day soon I will be forced to actually leave my country. That what I am trying to do here can never work. I know that the system would love to see me leave, why do you think they are doing things this way? America will not miss one more opposing voice that belongs to a poor lower class victim of thier corruption. Though it be extreme the attitude here is that I am expendable and its the cost of doing business. I am going to try a few things but its obvious that America is never going to admit what its really about or what it did to me and other victims not only of mind control/radiation experiments but of the federal investigation surrounding my old associates that picked and choosed who got busted and who did not. This country insisted on including me in some of the worst offenses to human rights and civil rights ever to go down in the US to freeborn citizens within the last century. Slavery, racism- messed up? Sure. But being oppressed in these ways is quite different from microwave weapons being used to torture in the hopes of perfecting behavior modification.

It seems that Americans like myself are getting experience first hand that the rest of the world it interferes in and polices must have lived through now for years. I can see how this super power is one of the most singularly hated countries in the world. Its true that I have more rights here than a victim of corruption in Mexico or China. There is a difference between someone who is understood to be a victim in those cultures and being victimized here in the USA. The horrors may be the same but when it is done here there is such denial about what the US is capable of or the kinds of war crimes it perpetrates that the denial of the victimization is a torture in itself. And a smear campaign or cover story is so necessary to hide America’s crimes as well as preserve thier false image the public naively believe that. Believing that someone like me deserved to be tortured and should commmit suicide is near patriotic here in the USA. Or else its to side with the ‘winners’ even though the winners are totally in the wrong and in a very severe way.

I have spent this whole writing session on the train. At this point its the only place to get any relief so I can think straight or remember things.

I dont believe that the people in Cambridge or Boston will ever admit what they did or pay restitution for years taken from me. So to treat me as a criminal or an outcast is thier only hope of survival andto escape prosecution for thier crimes.

There are those that will believe that my mother or my old associates were protecting their families and thier futures and that in America means everything. People can actually understand why my mother did what she did even though she is a child abuser who insists on carrying her psychopathic control games into my adult hood. She discredited a family whistle blower and many people fully side with her I believe. This is how sick the culture of ‘mom and apple pie’ is. You HAVE to pretend you believe the lies or play along with the fronts that are America’s image. Exposing corruption nowadays actually registers in the minds of its people as threatening thier country and thier way o flife as well as thier position in the new global world. The amount of people who treat me like astupid child just to shut me up about what was done to me is a testament to that fact. It IS a fact. In the USA I have very little support as far as most citizens believing I should not be victimized. They may give constnat indication that they believe its wrong but they only go against the agenda for that moment.

This leads me to the conclusion that America is a dangerously controlled culture where human rights violations dont occur soley due to them constantly being covered up.

With how cruel and vicsous the treatment I recieved was it is absolutely insane that I should be treated like the outcast or the bad guy. Scapegoated as I have been my whole life. And everyone seems to want to seal that fate for me, to keep it that way.

This means that they side with my drug dealer rich kid ex boyfriend, my mother and her family as well as my old associates who are influencial career criminals. They support that main triad of people closest to me that had the most motive to use me as a scape goat and a diversion. They also support the system here in America that insisted on being part of the same cover up.

This means that I should not be an American citizen. It means that I should seek asylum in a foriegn nation one that will believe in such warcrimes and not treat me as a foolish attention seeking self righteous female who has nothing and is a nobody compared to her destroyers, just in order to get away with what they did.

You would not believe the amount of people who USED my programming against me to torture me as long as possible. My mother’s family know exactly what they were doing and I cannot believe the support that thier actions have been given by many different people especially here at home. If this is how they insist on behaving, if torture is what they support in the name of protecting individual criminals as well as criminal enterprises and to include the USA as a country perpetrating war crimes unpunished then I have little choice to leave. Getting out is near impossible with the amount of coercion to conform and ‘forget’ about what happened.

The USA is now a prison and no one knows that best other than Targeted Individuals. The only way to get back what is mine is to write the proper time line out- to show how covert influence was used to alter events thus alter the time line- the results of events.

I could hire a lawyer but what the hell are they going to do? Just focus on the believable parts of the case? What lawyer is going to touch this?

No I think the USA will deny what it has done till the day I pass away, be that sooner or later. I could try getting a lawyer but we live in such an unreal time- where ignoring crimes is the only way to solidify the nation as the most powerful country in the world, that no one will pay attention. What is the motive to pay attention to me anyway? Many more people benefit from ignoring me systematically and siding with the likes of my mother’s family, Jake and Julie’s factions as well as the bigger picture.

The only way out is out of the country where I dont have to be tortured by what was supposed to be mine or what was taken from me. Its better than living in the USA becuz going to another state lets this state feel it got away with what it did and gives them the happy ending they do NOT deserve. They deserve to know that I left the USA, that people like them- MA. NY and other extremely connected, corrupt places in the USA are part of the US being a disgusting power hungry piece of sh*t, which doesnt bother them as long as they continue to preserve the good life for most Americans. This is why expendables dont matter.

If you leave the USA yes they got what they wanted, but it may be the only way to let them know how much you hate them for what they did and that its not acceptable. If they want to destroy someone like me and exalt Julie, Jake and let my mother get away with her fraudulent lawsuits then they need to be denied the victim’s citezenship. Remember this is all about the satisfaction that control provides the oppressor. If you leave it will take that control away. IF you stay and move on eventually it will satisfy thier sick, perverted reality making.

This is a culture as well as a country that cannot afford the truth nor anyone willing to tell the truth to the world. Discrediting victims who have figured out what is going on is thier only option. Perhaps someone like me wont be discredited or ignored in another country where they have less power.

The worst thing you can do is give them the happy ending they want. It tells them that they can pick more victims who are used to being abused and torture them mercilessly and they will ‘be ok’ after being tortured so. They know what they are doing from the beginning. They expected someone like me to adapt, survive and remake my life after the ordeal was all over. This is why they pick people like me as victims. Thier greatest satisfaction is to see the person move on and forget about what happened.

It allows them to keep what they took from you so you belong to them forever even after they die, which is why this is ultimately about control. Its about them winning as well but control is what they need so badly. For you to be systematically raped by this system and then ‘know yer place’ or settle down and deal with it gives that system the satisfaction as if they tamed you or bonded with you while raping you and thus they own you for life. This is the goal of every single person involved in this-men women everyone, law enforcement, feds, criminals, citizens is to see you raped so repeatedly that you are owned by the system they are part of. You can then be bonded to the sick ‘familly’ that is the cult they are part of . Even if they think they work on the side of the law or on the side of right or whatever thier delusion, rationale or lie they have been told or con they buy into.

Its no coincidence that sexual arousal as well as what could constitute rape is used on Targeted Individuals. I believe the people involved like my own mother for instance, are people who have a severe sexual abuse history and either dont recall it, are in denial, refuse to deal with it and get healed or secretly identify with the aggressor to the point where they will be into something like this in order to be part of what is essentially a constant gang rape of the Target. Its especially pronounced if the target is also a survivor of RA, sex work, or themselves some sort of sex used as control or intimidation. It amazes me how frequently the TI is attempted brainwashed into believing that not only did they deserve this, but its good for them in some way, as in some sort of reform. If you get targeted long enough you will start to internalize this and believe it too.

There are survivors like Cathy Obrien and then there are survivors like ---, who people kept saying was a CIA plant. It seems like people in the survivor and TI community are very Luciferian with thier obsession with perfection still. Even as survivors its about who presents the best, who looks the best, who isnt ‘trashy’. I am just an expendable. I am considered very trashy and not really worth saving or allowing to rise to my full potential. Cathy Obrien I see presents very professionally, speaks well (except fo r the MI accent occasionally) and conducts her self like a lady most of the time and we all know that Ladies deserve rescuing- not urchins like myself.

Again the survivor movement seems to be controlled by MEN in large part, showing of thier female survivors. Pimping anyone? The same obstinacy when I was younger in refusing male authority and prefering female authority now gets me into the same position in American culture.

I note that this other survivior not only resembles me in her ability for research and writing, she also bears a striking resmblence to my mother. I note that many survivors look like we all come from some similar DNA pool even distant relation. Strong features in the women, an almost masculine inner strength. Strong cheek bones and lady like manners for a Cathy Obrien/ Susan Ford type and a more witchy blackness for my type --- who also resembles. Kathleen Sullivan also has a very witchy almost Satanic look. I also relate alot better to her. I see similarities between all female survivors. Unfortunelty I also see a pathetic need for male support in the version of a partner. Partially this is the system doing this to people with psych warfare over time. Its rewarded you be strong, smart and resourceful when you are of use but when they want you back under control, its handler time. We all had handlers but with me they were usually strong female figures. This system though they could alter that and make me male dependent if they beat me down enough like a girl who has an abusive, incenstuous father. This is why so much male abuse was necessary as well as abuse from male authority figures.

You also have to remember that there is a faction of men out there that believe feminism or strong women are to blame for destroying society, supporting the black man etc. The old Eve story again.

That is becuz they are fighting the factions that manipulate strong women to use them for thier own ends. If feminists were truly strong women they wouldnt support any male agenda no matter how heart wrenching. This is something that this faction of men isnt about to teach women- they are just breaking them down instead and making them suck thier thumbs until they come home and beg daddy to take them in and protect them again. Its disgusting really. And women shouldnt have to become lesbians to survive either. Nothing wrong with that but if its done under duress out of desperation its not right really. It should be one’s Free Will not some move for survival.

So there are many factions interested in not only keeping me down and out of power or from my own inner power, but in discrediting me as a survivor. To serve the system as well as the star survivors I assume who being programmed, are ultimately competitive most likely against other genuine survivors messing with ther turf or telling a similar but different story.

I guess as usual only rich survivors should have a spotlight. I do NOT like what was done to ----. I see now evidence that she’s a CIA plant any more or less than any other survivor. That whole concept makes no sense whatso ever. If everyone is programmed by the same faction or factions that ultimately work together then how is anyone more or less in control of thier programming or a plant? What makes one person a plant and one a trustworthy survivor.

We ALL have programming left over from when we were unconshus of what was there and we may fall back into serving our masters without realizing it. THIS IS ONE OF THE CHALLENGES OF RECOVERING FROM PROGRAMMING. Get a clue. How easy is this to understand and why is this is so hard to miss? The only person who can truly tell you if you are slipping up and without realizing it protecting the old masters or serving the agenda again is YOU. Others may point things out but the scene is so nasty with accusations and flame wars and people playing favorites or team so and so opposes team so and so. Its total bullshit.

Part of what a survivor says may be very useful and another part of what they do may be totally protecting information or the old system. Without proper therapy as in my case its hard to keep tabs on this. But that is becuz I am not allowed therapy. I am supposed to be forcibly deprogrammed by torture and rape and isolation and shame and humiliation. And remote influence which by the way spans the distance of the entire USA right now. In every major city you can forget being free to think for yourself. And if you are a target, you will be handled daily by this system and when you seem to gain power or not affected the gangstalking sysetm will come after you until you get back in line with the behavior modification program.

I was at MIT the other day. I could tell someone was looking at me. I got this vision that the person was envisioning me in a polite dress, dressed and behaving more like a lady should. I turned around and saw an older male quickly turn away. There is a very good chance that there is a faction so conformist, so sexist that they actually believe that is the definition of ‘a good life’ that I deserve. The one Scott told me I deserved, as to validate everything they were doing to me. Destroying me in the name of getting me a ‘good life’. Gone Baby Gone is a dead giveaway as to validating covert interference. If I was allowed to self heal with the assistance of a therapist and a sense of safety I would be on my way by now to a ‘better life’. This system seeks to destroy human beings and reformat thier personalities under the guise of whatever excuse they can market successfully to their peers or undrelings or society in general.

This is why its so important to make it appear that I had no chance, was a lost cause, was not doing anything with my life, was incapable of change or transformation, was into or on drugs, was mentally ill or feeble minded, had no stregth of Will. This is all actually to cover for the system and its original crime of RA and programming. Its to shut the person up with a happy ending. What male actually believes that his fantasy perception of a woman is her idea of happiness. The people at MIT and other acedemic institutions as well as other faction have that power especially now.

I can tell you one thing. This system and the local area will not give in until I have broken down and gone to get labelled then go into some recovery program to help them cover for what they have done. And citizens may be that stupid and to not believe my versions of events are true. Why side with a dissident that is being scapegoated who has no money or power and is unpopular? They want to side with the winners even if they are wrong. In thier warped minds, especially the sick younger generation they have raised as nationalist spies with no stomach for fighting the system, they believe that giving in to the lie is a happy ending. That I will be happier that way.

When one looks at all of what is going on one can see that its all part of a major effort to control the country and make a one world govt a reality. A place for everyone and everyone in thier place. Freedom means nothing anymore. As long as you are part of the inclusion of community that WILL sustain the future for humans. There are people who genuinely now beleive that attention to Self is bad manners as well as dangerous to our species survival. That its selfish. They are the brainwashed masses and especially this recent generation and I dont believe there is any cure for thier illness.

So the system has alot going for it in its agenda. The America I see now is a sick dream world where people are too guarded, too social but not sociable and without any individual fire or strong personality. And anyone who stands out is the enemy . They really are very sick. Its the perfect cult mind control for a nation. Hitler Youth come to life through soft sell not outright intimidation or nationalism. And since they dont know anything else its pretty hopeless- unless you put them into reform camps which I wouldnt do becuz they have a right to their ways.

I read an article in that English newspaper The Daily Maile dissing Love Pray Eat or whatever it is. It was great to see it smashed for the sappy piece of crap it is and I havent read it. I can already tell its just another way to confuse Gen X about why we have had such a void all our lives. The system is deathly afriad of Gen X especially its women. They needed to keep us smacked out or hugging trees during our youth and then brought the rule down on your heads the second we approached late 20’s and were less of a threat. WE are the true children of the transition into living with tech not these brainwashed younger kids. So Gen X women my age and a bit older are going still seeking thrills and spiritual fullfillment. You have no idea the metaphysical power of my generation- and how it was denied us by being shut down and having our wiring ripped out. The power sisters is IN YOU. You were supposed to discover your place as elders in society and you have been replaced by feminine Reagan babies and now this new generation. You were shut out on purpose. With all the MK Ultra experiments and all the SRA going on, all the socially accepted pedophilia in the 70’s and all the drug experimentation as well as what our parents told us about how to be powerful and beat this system before htey got them to go back to sleep during Bush, and bond them to the younger kids instead of to thier original babies..there had to be really stellar results. Instead we wasted our youth on sensing traps everywhere and NOT acting (slacking) and now it is truly our time to wake up as we ARE sleepers in this sense, to in our 30’s and 40’s rebel against the system or really define ourselves..and what are you doing? Letting them confuse you yet again with PC gentle bs about healers etc. WE ARE THE HEALERS. We were supposed to bring the world into a new era of tech improving life as well as evolving man not enslaving man. The system is very good at turing things Inverse of what they were supposed to be. You are still relevant. But if you look closely you will see that your thrill seeking is normal in world now obsessed with not having intense emotional stimuli being ‘chill’, which sucks. Your search for a spiritual answer is due to the system taking away the answer during Bush. And you are NOT wrong in sensing something is mssing or off. You are being handled yet again.

How many of you saw right through the system marketing Girrrrl power when you knew it wasnt about remaining a girrrrl. It was about being a female and that is defined not by men. Feminism has devolved into something I dont recognize. And it IS due to the American public emracing such cultures as military (sexist) and gangsta (sexist). Note how men wear baggy clothes so they may not be objectified sexually. This primitive expression of maleness is being kept from women now. The younger girls I meet have a sense of growing up with rights that our mothers fought for but they have fallen back into something very creepy and sexist. Its like no one notices.

And here is the formula. When primitive male energy is kept from us we cannot express our primitive female drives or playing the pagan role of goddess. What society has done away with is natural magick in everyday society and replaced it with psychiatry, technology, bits of science that sound good as bites or small news tidbits and the military rule...and if you dont comply you are either mentally unfit or a terrorist. Then you must be a child molester then...if you want to get in touch with yer own god like powers.

So yer searching is only going to make a bunch of bullshit gurus more money. Didnt we make them enough money in the 90’s along with that organic nonsense that probably got many of us sick due to lack of pesticides or real cleansing agents?

The people at the top want ALL THE MAGICK for themselves. YOU are supposed to shut down, take psych meds to do so if necessary or go to therapy to be controlled. Shut up, sit down and let us drain you of energy is the new way to be. And the kids have no idea that they are already slaves. No f*ckin idea at all.

Young males suck now. They approach women like they are all pimps and black males need to see a sign on my forhead that says ‘whites only’...or should I say blondes or Italians only. I am almost temtped to get a tattoo that says 1971 on my chest just so they will realize I am not of thier stupid generation where I give a shit that you think you have swagger. In Gen X the women had swagger and the men had to prove they could handle it and they were worthy of possessing the goddesses. Not just average wimps hiding behind baggy pants, baseball caps and very bad manners. Stupidity is not attractive to Gen X as it indicates you are letting the agenda take you for a ride. Unless that stupidity is innocent and you ahve some other redeeming quality.

Due to me looking younger I get alot of crap from younger girls and approached my younger males. It wastes my time and pisses me off. At this age no woman as energy for small time competitive games. We want bigger wins now. I think I will get a t-shirt that says “made in 71” just to get the little f*ckers off my ass. Some of them are rebelling and its nice to see but they are so undemonstrative that its boring. I guess that is youth maybe I dont remember. IT may also be that psychiatry threatens these kids so often if they dont conform that they just hide who they are. I am sure that getting mobbed at school is prevelant in ways that we never dealt with due to tech being used to bully someone. Its obvious that these generations were and are victims of purposeful nation wide harassment to create a nice obedient youth for the global agenda. They probably dont know that its on purpose and part of the bigger picture.

No I cannot just leave without at least trying to get back what was mine, what was stolen from me before kissing off this sick and stupid family obsessed tyranical society. Everyone seems to hate me or pity me anyway. I cant take it for a lifetime. I will not have an entire country of people mob me just so that they can feel better about my looks, talent and intelligence being better than theirs (before I was destroyed that is). There must be some pay back on my intimate enemies and betrayers as well as my hometown/state and the entire nation before I could leave with any sense of dignity.

Then again an expose is perhaps best written overseas as the reprocussions would be so much less.