Doing better yesterday and okay today. Last night was woken up by an anxiety like condition I get sometimes that lasts for hours. It feels like someone is putting electroshock through your body or muscles. Only flexing very hard will relieve the discomfort, edginess and pain associated. It seems to generate from the body's core. Its horrid in the middle of the night as one just wants to sleep.
Cops came to squat today to finally clean it with a crew. Unfortunatley, we used to keep it nice but since that one girl is not there anymore making it her home, the local and traveler kids leave it kinda trashed. It was sad that the authorities had to see it like that today. It wasnt so bad but usually its not even slightly trashed. The cops were cool, the typical formula of good/bad cop. One being a hardass about the law and the other one smiling down at me on my computer telling me its time to go then not wanting to really deal with anything after that. The key to Cambridge cops is to be very respectful, Boston as well but Boston will take you in just for speaking back even respectfully or asking questions. They are infamous for doing that also. I apologized to the crew for it being trashed and the hardass rookie was obviously surprised by my civility, he kept expecting ignorant back talk. Oh no my dears, not me. Not after years of having to stay in control while being terrorized and put on a happy, tolerant face. I can smile and sound civil through Hell or WW3...just try me. The day that woman on the train tripped over my feet (on purpose) and I did not react, I was like stone-- is the day I knew that I had ill gotten the ability to not feel, not react, not be present in any situation. Its what younger people admire about older pro's in business...but I never wanted to be this, I wanted to be sensitive to other human beings and assist people, not learn to be Peggy Post while under extreme duress. It sucks...but I suppose it will be useful for any kind of activism for travelers etc considering everyone perceives all of us the same way. Most of the travelers and squatters are just kids so they dont know how to act civil. Many dont act civil on purpose as its rebellion time I suppose. Many traveling kids are intelligent but just dont like mainstream society. Urban camping grounds would be nice or for people to keep the squat in order. Most older squatters,like white haired, usually get left alone out there, in most of the US I have found for being quiet, unseen and not trashing their areas.
Shame really.
But I have this strong impression that I shouldnt go back there anyway anytime soon. Even to that area. Something is up with the kids there and I do NOT have time for anything to get in the way of what I am doing before I leave. Its a potentially volatile scene at all times anyway, usually people are out there to get away from the drama of hierarchies and pecking orders anyway.
Been feeling lately like this all happened due to me being poor and expendable, getting the idea that I should deal with my situation by accepting it and know my place- which of course is exactly the message given to me over the years by perps, but often said right to my face. Which means I should ignore that ideation. Its only purpose is to force me to give up.
Dont like where I go to shower sometimes. The women there some of them know I am a target, that whole Central Sq area is full of lots of people who seem to know. What I hate is when women, especially black women know that I am targeted and I feel this vibe, this feeling bad for me but after they connect with that vibe they reject you and get all hard about it. Its so overdramatic. Also you dont need to be connecting with me or feeling for me at all as its not your business. Its so ridiculous that they project thier view and world view on me, judge by THIER standards and then one feels put down and exploited or kept down or cheated, only becuz one can sense someone else projecting thier view of the situation onto you. Its so stupid. I am working within the situation. Thier view is the situation itself. That I have been cheated somehow and isnt that just so sad and life shouldnt be this way...but then they reject you after linking with you, which is very damaging. I hang out with people that do not view being vagabondish as a handicap and thier NOT afraid of it. One just has to go primitive to understand that, to return to the ancient nomadic state of human beings.
Its another way of feeling superior. Why would you feel anything at all for the person if you are only going to go along with thier being slowly murdered or kept down or destroyed? Its a drama they can focus on. I note that they purposely focus on the person being destroyed or kept down. This gives them the ability to actually jump in with the true active oppressors of the person and feel the POWER of the group, or the mob. If they thought of the person as strong or clever or resourceful within a tough situation or respected thier longevity, tenacity or creativity within the situation they would not be part of the mobbing so they CHOSE to focus on the negativity, so they can feel that power. Even if the TI has a totally different view of circumstances or is not daunted by them the silent viewer or the person who is silently aware who gets off on this sort of thing or fancies themselves part of the power structure that is actively keeping the person down WILL rape the TI: by engaging with them emotionally or psychically lets say, by knowing what is going on and then percieving the person as the loser in the situation..the Target can feel this engagement. They shouldnt be using the TI for their own emotional satisfaction and in this way its akin to being intimate while not welcomed. The TI then starts to feel that their situation is a losing battle and negative etc.
Its all bullsh*t. What other choice did or does the TI have? None with how heavy handed this system is. And if yer not going to help the person break out of oppression then keep to yourself then. The last thing TI's need is negative thinking or outsiders perceptions of the situation. Unless of course you are finally percieving that not only did the system screw up, what it is doing is highly illegal and unethical and you are going to see it stopped, NOW. No? Well then either mind your own or assist. Even attempt to perp outright but to destroy morale is the most pathetic action yet.
You are in on it, great. Who gives a sh*t what you think or how YOU feel. Dont put that on the TI, there is no time for such things.
I dont feel bad for myself and I am not going to start now. Its a war, so what?
Its another attempt to manage the Target's perceptions about thier situation , which will probably lead to them
-giving up and accepting their situation as is
-knowing thier place. So here we go again. An extremely small time person only has to feel their knowing about the situation gives them power over the captive target.
DO NOT tolerate this from anyone. Keep your own perceptions in sight. You'll have days that are bad enough anyway dealing with your own feelings that are not positive about the situation, you do NOT have room nor time for outsiders perceptions, unless it assists you in winning a battle or the war itself. They are just using you up which is the purpose of one being targeted, so everyone can partake of the ritualistic sacrifice over time of this human being. Dont make it easy for them and dont let them target you and take from you as a direct engagement from a perp would. They are not working as hard as those guys, who work at destroying the TI with time consuming tactics, set ups, mind games and theatres. Thier destruction of you cannot be helped. Most people would have lost thier minds by now. Dont let the lazy, 'in on it' type take from you much needed life energy just becuz they know whats going on and deep down they percieve you as a toy and think they can get away with that becuz truly powerful people do so.
Lots of losers, especially here in Boston, people involved in the gang elements or aware of them and thier undertakings, really seem to gain power from me in my situation. But I do recall that Tony, a few years ago, revealed some information to me and was being just a bit too overbearing and well..he ended up having a woman he hadnt seen for years show up, smoke crack with him and then by morning he was dead of a mysterious overdose with needles outside his window. Hmmm.
The funniest thing was when perps tried to convince me through directed conversation that I may have been implicated in his murder as my old connection to opiates so many years ago in my 20's. It was so laughable as well as a complete waste of a human beings life. Just for another set up here in Boston, or attempt at one. Maybe it happened due to him being far to revealing with info.
He was a strange guy-he really seemed to like Two and a Half Men the TV show with Charlie Sheen- you know the one where when you first watch it, you mistakenly think they are a gay couple and they have a fat kid named Jake? I hate that show...it seems so sexist. And the male actors are ugly as well as he should fire his maid..and that fat kid needs to be starved out at some point and not be the typical spoilt rotten mouthy American kid. Charlie Sheen's character whines too much about women.
He should marry his insane upstairs neighbor who calls him Huggy Bear all the time..I like her.
Whatever.
Hope to have drama free night but I feel danger afoot- dont know why.
