“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Monday, December 9, 2013

Another Adult From My Childhood Dies-My Foster Mother. The Foster Home A Main Source Of SRA

Email received 8/7/13 2:53 pm, just read today:

"Hi Rachael,
Well at least I'm hoping this is you.
I have some sad news to share.
Grammy passed the other day and I thought you'd like to know.
Here is her obit:

Your also mentioned in it.
Please keep in touch. You have my email and my cell is:xxxxxx
______ Howland"


Another person that I dont even feel any sorrow for at this point.

Alot of the people I was separated from by the gang stalking campaign...were people who were toxic family members of my mother's side I grew up with, bio family I did not really know growing up who seemed also toxic or outright insane (my father's family) or my foster family who strangely I got alot out of growing up with for five years in that foster home from age 1-6 yet..I can say honestly that this is when alot of the strange ritual abuse happened per what memories I did recall or still can recall.

I dont trust the connection between my foster father working for Raytheon which I posted with his obituary and my paternal grandfather (Chester O----) working for Raytheon, which I only learned by reading his obituary due to that family lying to me years ago telling me that he worked as a carpenter.

Its not unusual for the Targeted Survivor to be lied to by people or given information where they then claim they did not say such things or change the information later. Just recently at On The Rise I recalled that one of the glorified babysitters there, someone mentioned or she did that she worked in the prison system in counseling, which of course added to my trauma years ago while going to that place as a day drop in. Just recently, she claims she never worked in such a capacity and that no one made such a claim. Yet I recalled other memories from that time period about here and OTR accurately.
I am still mildly messed with when I go there but its more subtle and about keeping me subdued and controlled. The guilt they emanate is increasing as my health deteriorates and I age without any improvement to my situation. I know damn well they will continue to serve the system by covering up for covert activity, psychiatry and corruption/crime because that is part of their job working with homeless people.

This woman's and her husband, my foster father were older people more like grandparents. My mother used to be mean to me and tell me that they spoiled me in the foster home. Probably because I wasnt brutally molested by him and my foster siblings as she was and I was coddled on. The reason given for my being 'special' there was that Mrs Howland had 8 children one of which died as an infant and I was like her replacement.

Again, themes of death and switching places with the dead.

The real reason I was coddled and also isolated much of the time from other children is thats what you do so experimentees and ritual abuse children who are for a specific purpose or part of a classified project. She often smothered me with safety and wouldnt let me do things other kids could do or go with my foster siblings and their children to do things. The children I was allowed to befriend were very specific. And i recall that there were some very strange neighbors-people with candy that liked children a little too much and she stopped me from going to that house.
There were also some very nasty girls in the neighborhood who at summer camp one year kept calling me "whore" when I was nine and didnt know what it meant. Calling me a "whore" as a child was a recurring thing and it just goes to show that the children of perps dont just help gang stalking adults- they gang stalk targeted children also. (I left the foster home at 6 but my mother wanted to hang out with her rich gambler boyfriend Buck, so she sent me back to the home without child services knowing for a year when I was nine. Nice, huh? She went to Disneyworld with him..and brought me back a hat. I am probably better off never having gone to Disneyworld anyway, now I realize lol.)

It was a trade off. I got alot out of being in a semi rural setting with farm animals present and my foster father was from Massachusetts hillbillies. I was taught how to change a tire by the time I was 6, chop wood and survive in the woods across the street. I played in the snow, swam in the lake and communed with ever animal we had each year from a horse to a pig to pheasants, sheep, bob whites. I learned about hunting, guns and animals being mercifully raised and slaughtered for food only. I got a bit of country this way.
I would ride my bike along the dirt roads on dangerous hills behind Dudley Pond in Wayland, often taking a swing around Devil's Curve to see the spot where so many cars ran off the roads (common in the 70's). When you learn about danger, you vow it will never happen to you and learn caution.

A house built by early YUPpies on the dirt roads behind the neighborhood is where a little girl Sarah disappeared. It could have been any of us and I had survivor guilt for years...I also saw her grave covered by leaves as a psychic vision for years as an adult. When the day came that the cold case was solved and the authorities finally discovered her grave-the visions stopped.
I always felt the presence of the man who had taken her. As if it was just another one of the threats that surrounded me as a child- the ritual abuse people always around you but you don't see them. A scare tactic. Another way of making me feel kept by evil forces, yet 'special' enough not to kill physically.
This is a recurrent theme in keeping mind controlled slaves who are survivors of ritual abuse under control. Killing a little girl down the street is the threat: my not being killed is the bonding to the perpetrators.
In case you dont know by now, these people have no problem murdering human beings for these projects. Pieces on chess boards are easily removed- and thats all humans are to these people.

This home and this part of my childhood is primarily where my Satanic Ritual abuse memories come from. Its where some faint recall of Michael Aquino, or people like him or involved with him arise from. Its where I recall being locked into toy boxes (by someone like Aquino who was visiting) and closets (by my foster mother)for sensory deprivation, being taken out to attend rituals and to be with my mother her sister and their creepy friends, usually some powerful men and I faintly recall being taken on an escort call with my aunt but I don't know what happened. Perhaps kiddie pictures too but I cant be sure.

It was a foster home in Cochituate, a part of Wayland, MA. My mother had a breakdown after my birth-natural for an incest survivor to start remembering but also, she claims doctors gave her experimental hormones before she lost it. I suspect that it was to force me into foster care.
They had one son still living there, a man with epilepsy, prone to seizures who seemed a bit off basically. He lived in the basement.

I recall going to stay there in the first few days and weeks. The first thing he did was take me for a ride in this adult tricycle, the ones with the big wheels and had me ride in this basket in the back. He purposely went over bumps and dumped me out of the basket, made me cry then was mean to me about it and told me not to cry or tell.
Looking back this was the indoctrination into this place where so much RA was going to go on.

As long as I lived there, my foster mother took care of me and seemed fair and I got alot out of being away from my sick mother's family in the care of a mother of 8 who understood children. But what was going on with her husband and her son in the basement wasnt fair. Nothing too brutal but still traumatic and it came to a point where he was baby sitting me one night and stuck his tongue in my mouth and I told on his ass. My foster mother just scolded him not to do that and of course he was pissy about me telling. He didnt do it again.

Its been a common theme in my life to not take shit from people trying to mess with me and doing something about it. Its probably why I am targeted so hard. Too bad.

My foster father used to take me to this garden, a community garden across from a cemetary (again death!). He would do things as we were hidden behind the tall sunflowers and towering plants so no one could see him. Some other places too like the shed in the yard. His son would call me down to the basement alot.

So I was dealing with this nonsense and my mother one day notices that I had a really horrid look on my face when I had to go back to this house when my foster brother was there. She tells me "You had such a horrible look on your face, I felt bad. Dont ever get into a car with that guy!". Typical of someone who cant face up to her own abuse by her brother and father: I LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH THE FRICKIN GUY YOU IDIOT. And that is more dangerous than getting into a car with him.
I saw what getting into a bike ride with him did, he only used it to terrorize me and teach me to shut up about being abused.

My mother genuinely has done her best even with all the evil she's pulled. She's so controlled, so targeted and so terrorized from a young age. And the system is always nicer to her especially in hospitals where I have been abused and humiliated by staff for decades- becuz she complies and I refuse to.

Mrs Howland was always rather dismissive and snooty towards my mother which I realized was some sort of power trip. Many many children of poor women are put in foster homes that are in on these projects and these networks.

I believe I was taken out of the foster home by people, specifically my mother, for tasks, ritual abuse and programming but much of the actions of the Howlands were part of my programming and ritual abuse experience.

Its so hard to try to understand who is conscious of what they are doing and who, themselves, has MPD and is programmed to do what they do to us. My own mother broke down once and told me that she never wanted me to know about her father abusing her, told me a story about how he pushed her down the cellar stairs once then 20 min later could not recall the story or flash back of memory she had just told me. My mother often outright denies saying things or actions, I believe becuz she cant accept that another part of her can do things like that to her own daughter and doesnt want to be responsible.

I recall clearly that as I began to become rebellious at around age 6 due to being abused in the foster home, my foster mother made a call to either my mother or someone else and said it was time to take me out of the home. IT WAS TIME. I was becoming a problem due to acting out and probably had to be returned to my birth mother who, being of my same DNA and also programmed, could 'handle' me, which she did- by abusing the hell out of me, neglecting me and basically making my life a living hell until I was 14 years old and old enough to party with friends and get the hell away from her.

My being in that foster home brings up memories of Satanic ritual abuse specifically- but not the other programming I have strangely. I also recall having an out of body experience as a baby when my grandmother came to visit me. she was holding me and I recall looking up at the chandelier in the center of the ceiling but then I got a view of seeing her holding me as a baby. I told my mother this as a child and she calmly, systematically interrogated me about this experience.
This is the same experience that occurs when you disassociate but dont lose memories of your actions. You might do something in an alter ego but you have memories of it- its just like someone else's memories. You are outside yourself. You see yourself doing stuff.
Since the brain damage and gang stalking I dont have those experiences anymore. Gang stalking Survivors is just a way to erase memories, abilities and prevent us from healing properly and naturally. The system would rather destroy us and our talents and basically create mind controlled slave robots that are controlled by the tech used in public spaces for mass mind control and the actions of the gang stalking system.
I am suspicious also that misguided religious people might believe that these sort of programs are going to save our souls or create non satanic people out of ritual abuse survivors thus they believe they are improving the world. Which of course makes them useful idiots for the perpetrators becuz one of the things gang stalking does is erase all memories via brain damage- no names, no faces and no more opportunities to go to a hypnotist and recall anything else.

One of the things that has been beneficial over these years is that I have been removed from the people around me who were keeping me prisoner from childhood like my foster parents, my screwed up friends I had and my birth families. Continuing to know them would have just meant continued toxicity and control over me from childhood.

It pisses me off that alot of these perps like my mother's father, his wife who has one foot in the grave and my foster parents all get to die without having to answer for what they did. Its like the system is trying to preserve some sort of peaceful solution by protecting these families (urgh) and their children who are in denial while giving the Survivor some sort of life outside of the sick network of people that controlled them.

I recall that one perp I travelled with in New Mexico slipped and said .."provide these children with some sort of life.." outside of being mind controlled slaves he was referring to survivors of the black projects and ritual abuse.

The problem is that whoever is decreeing this 'some sort of life' or life after mind control slavery, is denying every Survivor a truly great life where they are healed and they can fulfill their true potential. Also, note, that he turned out to have a statutory rape charge on his criminal record, like many many gang stalking perps I have gotten info out of. Most of these people have some connection to military as well as sex offenses.

So perhaps this is the sort of life after mind control that THEY want us to have, becuz it suits all of them and people like them that we dont remember and cant get any credibility...but they arent doing us any favors thats for sure.

I felt slightly a twinge of emotion reading the email about her passing but I know that she only gave me a safer home than my mother would have, while still doing me harm. Just like the homeless industry does to us every time they provide services while staff are in on the gang stalking. There genuinely is NO SAFE place to go when you are a Survivor or targeted.

But its good to be freed and aware of these people being no good in childhood, instead of staying deceived and brainwashed.

I recall that Mrs Howland sent me mind controlling symbols in holiday cards a few times. And when I started these blogs she sent me a veiled threat basically that she and her family had cred and no one would believe me. A newspaper clipping that raved about her many children and foster children and long time standing in the community.

Another person escapes with important information and without paying for their crimes. Another perp dies.