“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Want Out

The guy I am still with , we r at his dads place. His dad smokes crack a few days a week. The bastard has the audacity to whine about us doing laundry at the late hour of 8pm. This white trash smokes so perhaps that is why he claims to be so tired by evening.
He then proclaimed he gets up at five a.m. and doesnt sleep all day.

My friend hasnt come to terms with his family being toxic yet and takes crap from his dad because he can depend on him but also he is going to get some land if he kisses their asses long enough.

Pretty hard for a kid whos mother rejected him and his father who he met later in life is his only family.

Ive already come to terms with my family being abusive, controlling idiots and I didnt let them frame me and I am not shedding tears over it, becuz they sent me out basically to die. While my cousin gets to become a genetic engineer even though I was as smart as her and more creative...and attractive. I get targeted into silence and all my betrayers go on to have nice productive lives.

This kid is afraid of what many of us are afraid of- telling our families and the system off and abandoning abusive controlling people. One of the cover stories that was used and may still be is that i am nuts from my mother being too controlling- usually that comes from people in on trying to get govt funding etc who know damn well I am targeted for other reasons.

We must always remember that as Targeted Survivors of mind control projects that a handler is always around the corner.

The main objective is always to get the Target especially female to settle down and forget what happened. This guy has been obsessed with getting me knocked up since day one. Hes even described it as somethinng else to focus on besides what happened and my activism. That is not normal.
I said I wanted an open relationship or at least one with those kinds of freedoms and hes acting like its monogamous.

The goal seems always to normalize the Target to bring them down and keep them down.

What I most notice about these times I am not being heavily targeted- the holidays, is that TIs are kept tormented daily with memories of what perps have done to us at the same time we are kept silent for years on end. Its almost impossible to write a book or do anything truly productive, to be remain logical, civil and sound anything but bitter and nasty.

Time goes on without you as you age year after year in homeless shelters or traveling and urban camping. Being female in America, older and traveling alone is shocking to Americans. In Europe its not unusual. I often wonder how many of us from third wavers immigrating here circa 1900s simply haven't lost our Europeaness enough to be beaten down into being 'American'. And if you're poor you're resented for it let me tell you. I suppose I should be held down by some control group like Italians in a neighborhood or family or Southie or something similar. Is this what the perps meant when they often told me that I am being targeted becuz I should "know my place"? In fact my own mother, the pathetic cow, told me that's what the harassment meant when she was dealing with the syndicate. Shed have done a lot better in life realizing she wasn't a badass. The syndicate...any crime organization is only allowed to exist by the kinds of people who create mind controlled slaves and are interested in MK Ultra.
I know my place: to expose this to the public and take down any and all enemies an eye for an eye. The former being my job and the latter being my privilege.

A woman in my position gets worn down and will take anyone that comes to seem like a stable protector. I need a helpmate a playmate and a bodyguard. Not a repeat of dealing with screwed up family members. This is why I don't deal with families or holidays, unless of course its non family oriented and fun like Halloween, birthdays and New Years. Xmas time is the absolute worst in the whole year. Humanity comes out of their stupidity to treat each other well and fairly when they should be attempting to build a reality where that is possible year round-when they aren't fighting of course over whatever monkeys with highly developed cerebrums fight over: dominance, greed, water, land, sex etc...all the same boring crap historically.

My mother used to dictate like this. It really was like living under a 6'1" shapely deep voiced tyrant, The Queen, who had this regimine for all that 'laying down our arms' as she put it was desired during the holidays and infighting and being competitive over petty BS was normal the rest of the year. Notice that no one but my cousin ever got anywhere in that family. I tried to explian it to my mother once: that sitting around infighting doesn't help get me into a college. That the family should be strong against outside invaders and to conquer the outside world not infighting and waste energy. Its probably a typically Italian way of thinking and my mother is far from that. Upon hearing that logic she seemed to consider it seriously and was surprised it made sense.

This is a person who is a result of a typical controlling family, one with secrets to hide and with parents who know she's got the goods on them so she has to be suppressed. Its also the norm for many Survivors of mind control projects to come from such families. I am still not sure how much the family of origin usually knows about the projects. Like how much of the cult mind control within the family would be from just natural defenses against the realities of abuse and how much is perpetrated especially for the mind control project itself.

Just as I always wondered how much does the public really know I have always been especially curious as to just how much my family knew. Are they also controlled and don't fully see their actions? Its hard to tell.

I don't want a repeat of that. This kid doesn't even realize his potential and he will probably never understand that becuz good old dad and family are going to tolerate him and maybe he'll get some land where dealing with life's challenges wont be an issue.
I've seen a lot of trust fund kids like this in my twenties and in Narcotics Anonymous later. People like my ex Jake, the same idea. Family will take care of you as long as you allow them control. Personally I'd rather live on a sidewalk and be dealing with some challenges like this becuz these people rarely grow. They never reach their potential, they are so lost they don't even realize they have any.

I want to get away from this man, but his affection for me has some sort of hold on me. Its solid and I don't like it.

And if you think I am weak in my inability to act you are correct. The gs system makes its Targets weak. And for a female TI their greatest end is to have someone like me finally controlled or looked after by some male of the species. My maternal aunt fell into this with a similar sort of man and I refuse to allow it to happen to me.