“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I just told On The Rise I was leaving permanently. What Rita did today was the last straw. I've had it. I work so hard on activism and every day I have to be 'tolerant' of idiots like Rita who play games and cause drama becuz they know they can cuz staff is present. Its like nursery school in there every day.

Also I can't deal with the daily focus on race by a core group in there. I cannot believe Boston area is still living like the old days still with this pathetic race obsession. Its partly to blame for my becoming more and more race focused out of self preservation. And who can blame me.

I finally lost my temper upon leaving and my very black lesbian friend who walked out with me was proud that I finally let the truth be told.


That was at 2pm today. In the last hour or so I have been getting impressions that it's made it through the grape vine to my family what has occurred as well as again these ideations being pushed to go back to my grandmothers and stay there and ask for help.

Once again someone is forgetting I am not my mother. My mother swears up and down to not return home but throughout life has seemed to end up there frequently. Which is complete and total insanity.
In Narcotics Anonymous and AA also, I learned that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
That is what going back to Waltham would be an excersise in.

These are people who knew what was going on during Bush but chose to gaslight me and keep me in the dark about the situation, thus helping the enemy destroy my sanity as well as put my life in danger. Are people forgetting the gang stalking system tried to KILL ME? This is not an over exaggeration. They did all kinds of things to me over the years. MILABS ARE NO JOKE AND THEY ARE NOT IMAGINED. Not when your mother is a documented MK Ultra/radiation survivor from the 50s. My maternal family assisted this network by first acknowledging they knew what was going on, then with holding information then worst of all my mother flips the script by one day asking me if the harassment was just delusion and could I have a mild case of what Danny (my father who was most likely targeted and labeled) has. And this woman and her mother practically boasted about knowing the who,what when and where but withheld that info from me.

I will never see those people again. They don't exist. Are we forgetting that my paternal grandmother's name is Cedrone? Or that her husband's name ended in -ski before it was Americanized? Or that my last name originates in Belgium in the 14th century? These are all DNA my maternal family does not posses. Why would my behavior duplicate my mother's, when I am the product of two people with very different DNA not just one? And put aside genetics and consider environment. Totally different upbringing than my mother, why would I duplicate her reactions?

Strong ideations like these usually come from another human beings thoughts being very focused on the target, intentionally or not. It was very organic like human thought so I doubt if its the use of a weapon or tech but its possible.

And any of these people can try to use this to make me seem mentally ill or unbalanced in once again, as part of the never ending discreditation campaign.

Do so and I will write a very damaging expose right on the internet that will expose some.very embarassing facts about who I used to know in this city and exactly what went on.

Don't ever.forget those cards that stay firmly up my sleeve. My family has shit compared to what I know.

Don't u think I have understood for some time now that this entire situation is to handle me as carefully as possible so none of that information ever gets out? No shit. Its been obvious for years and the amount of people in on this fro the community if.not nationwide is ridiculous. I am fully aware of the fact.that.I am its being made to appear I am systematically ignored when all the while its all about handling me ever so carefully so nothing spills, like information about a number of people in this city.

Why do u think you've got idiots like homeless women doing directed conversation to add to the brainwashing "no one cares about her" but yet staff at homeless places can be seen shitting themselves if they have to kick me out for getting into it with someone like say, San Diego? The only reason I internalize any of that is becuz the psych warfare is used along with the tech which is impossible to fight. Its been 5 years and I haven't revealed.a thing yet. Their system of keeping victim witnesses quiet works believe me.

But keep it up with this crap concerning surrendering to my the Judases in my.maternal family and the info flow starts soon after.

The only reason I haven't revealed anything outside of fearing for my life is that MK Ultra was about interrogating 'agents' which means compartmentalized, programmed people or mind controlled slaves. If I reveal information under the influence of this system, and not my own free Will I am giving in to the last stage of behavior modification and that is the end of any remnance of my true Self.

If these jerks wanted info a subpoena would have sufficed. This is all a cover for MK Ultra and even continued experimentation, as I have received.emails telling me that the MILAB was part of their efforts to see how programming breaks down. I suspect that brain damage was induced to begin that breakdown of compartments...

The only way to beat this is to keep fighting and act only according to one's true Will.

If I get pushed back into being involved with my maternal mothers family, which would cripple me severely and interfere with what I am doing, I WILL program myself to kill every one of.them. I can do this and I will. If you've experienced the lone shooter.phenomena as well as the ones who kill whole families then you know its possible. I can also create an alter that perhaps wont turn the gun on itself..or better yet, it will all happen quite by accident and I will be in another country when it does.

If I was so inclined I could have easily gone quiet and gotten a job, pretended to go along.with the system and secretly planned to use that money to in future set scores.straight.

Im smart enough and you know it. I CHOOSE to be humane and kind and to show mercy as well as seek justice not pure revenge.

However, its best that my maternal family remain dead to me, like any normal Italian would want it, for.the good of all.