“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Feel Very Influenced Today and Targeted Using Sexual Shaming program

Sexual Shaming is what I have experienced over the years, exclusively here in the Boston/Cambridge area and in the past it has led to self injuring behaviors.

Sexually aroused very heavily today, mixed with intimidation and alot of ideation that I am old washed up and will never win in my situation. I am in library and strange guy who seems rather suspect just came in here to use computer. He had to sit on the same side I am sitting on.

Feel a lack of drive, power and aggression I usually have. Usually the light to mild sexual arousal is used to induce constant shame or make me feel controlled. Its hard to tell if I am just ovulating or if its mind control. Boston and Cambridge have so much tech power at thier disposal I can never tell here. I have posted in the past that this area was one of the worst for sexual torture to beat me down heavily into being a mindless submissive for exploitation in some sort of entertainment. Scott tried to beat me down in this manner when he was with me and it did not work so I suppose they simply decided to try and use tech to do so.

About 2009 or so that stopped being hte norm here and now its all about keeping me constantly controlled so I never get a lawyer and never tell what happened. Move on and forget.
Probably simply due to the fact that I fought so hard, I dont look good enough anymore to be usable for exploitation.

Only Pheonix AZ is as brutal and heavy handed concerning using tech to beat me down heavily for sexual exploitation. And they are not shy about men in cars or trucks being involved in gang stalking or even filming me walking around.

I can feel some sort of attempted domination coming from this man who just came in. It subsides when other people or a stream of people come into the library.

You have to understand that I have dealt with actual psychic warriors in this and its very unpleasant. Its probably the most obnoxious part of being targeted. Becuz they are human themselves and its usually only one person its terrible for the ego that they have that much power and they know who you are.

I may be mistaken about the person two chairs over on the computer...but I am not mistaken about the constant remote influence I have been getting today. This only occurs in this area of the northeast and it only can induce such bad feelings here. This is what used to force me to self injure when I would return to this area every year. I have video and pic of myself being bruised up and scratched due to self injury. I NEVER had this problem before and was not a trauma survivor that self injured. This is a direct result of being targeted within the Boston/Cambridge area by some program that makes me feel a low level of constant sexual arousal, not aggressive but feminine in nature as in submissive to or controlled by stronger more aggressive male forces- and that coupled with thoughts of my losses, my failures and the fact I look terrible compared to what I looked like before and memories of how people 'won' and how I am meant to fail and be controlled- all these somehow results in me snapping and beating myself. For the past few years I have not given in to these urges as I know how to control it now. I know for sure its tech and manipulation as it only happens in this area of the country, or the state for that matter and nowhere else.

MA is cruel by the way it keeps people down and has to have control. Other places- like TX, St Louis or Phoenix AZ would rather be ultimately overtly aggressive and see you dead or beat you down severely in a more aggressive manner. Which is much less undignified. MA is looking to shame, and be superior to the target. In the more aggressive places I mentioned, one knows that the perps are pieces of shit becuz they act like just that in what they do. MA seeks to take the TI's dignity away and have the state or commonwealth be better than the TI, validated in what its done to the person.
Ultimately it utilizes snobbery in a psy warfare campaign just as it does to gain superiority in overt ways.

4:25 pm: I just realized today is SATURDAY, and havent I been posting that this is the worst day of the weak for being targeted and feeling controlled or totally controlled or crushed/ oppressed by what seems like a combo of tech and psychological fallout from years of abuse? Perhaps now I can fight this better as of now, becuz I am conshus of it being very bad on Saturdays.
My eyes are lifeless my body listless. All I want to do is sit here and stare into space, not even use the computer. This absolutely crushing effect of tech or whatever it is, is typical for Sat. Everything closes early so I didnt get to nap either which, in this location I have to do for hours a day. Its a very unhealthy place unless you have lots of money. Most poor people just get fat and eat the effects of this away or they do drugs..some go to church but that is definitely letting the system win.