uugghh. In the ER American Idol is on. I try to avoid that show at all costs. I can't stand the thought of.looking at someone who is so close to a crowd that helped Jake my ex who helped destroy my life. I have never watched it except for like 5 minutes once, which was quite enuf.

This episode is mostly over. Interestingly I just saw the host, a youngish white guy very Hollywood looking flash the horns to the audience and stick his tongue out doing it.

when that gesture was associated with metal or certaIn rock concerts it was kind of camp and pretty much just kept to that level, overtly anyway. to see it so mainstream nowadays is disturbing mostly becuz the places I see it being displayed are just so awful. these are not things that are fun or rebellious in nature.

and I thought Hollywood was full of God's chosen so now I am really confused. im not being sarcastic it just doesn't make any sense..nothing makes sense in the USA anymore. Perhaps that is some form of creating a chotic Hellish environment and that is what is considered Satanic now. It just seems really boring.

I think it might be a case of when the revolutionary leader becomes the head of state after a take over, he and his become exactly like the people they were revolting against to begin with.

what are we to do with this.much bullshit from one part of society and christian right neocons from another? The military full of gang factions or Christians trying to convert Islam while fighting them in war. What happened to knowing who the enemy is- knowing friend from foe?

I no longer understand what im supposed to do. die? write that book? Go quiet? get a lawyer and go after everyone I can for anything I can?

People still keep thinking my situation is due to my old associates like Julia and whatever powerful people she is asso jared with. yea, they prob all got blackmailed by the true heavies to give me up and assist in destroying me or else. that is the extent of their true power in this.

black older male security just walked by and hung his head. tactic..seen it alot in central sq. and the people that do that tactic I've ignored them then looked back to see them looking ba k to see if it had any affect.
so its definately a tactic.
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in er now. size.it was most likely nerve pain perhaps within brain. ?? As long as it doesn't kill me or dibilitate me right now.

got a moments peace and clarity of course due to internet and cell signals blocked in ER.