“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Today I was in a building that everone had vacated without my knowledge. I got ready to leave and I just lay there taking in the quiet. No computers, no people just silence and it was in one of those old solid houses that seems to protective against whatever tech is out there now that permeates every major metro area of every major city in the USA from 6 am to 12 midnight approximately.

It was amazing to feel as I did in the late 90's before this all occurred. So quiet, so easy for me to go through my thoughts and the ability to think straight had returned which I never usually get, havent in years. I knew myself again. I was truly alone with myself. It was private. It was reality not the faking I do every day in order to pass under the radar and network so I can get this book written.

I think whoever is doing this was very jealous of my self love, my ablility to consort with myself. They seem to want me to be like stupid average untalented people who seem to just fake through life with a role persona that they have picked and are totally dishonest to themselves everyday. To hate other human beings but have to surround ones self with them daily. Hating them of course due to being tortured for years by human beings since 2003 and also for the fact I get no time to console myself alone. And the person I am socially is just another alter I have created to survive this ordeal. Its almost totally a fake filter I live through while internally I have to suffer with the reality of what really went on, holding onto it so I can write it down one day and organize years of documentation to write up the time line that should have been.

I am more sick and fake today than I ever was in my apartment, drawing, writing, talking and experimenting and finding out who I was and planning to grow from that realization. I simply used my alter system to give society what they seemed to approve of in a person. I am most like a sociopath now than I ever was previously. But I keep my true self and my true world hidden until it can be exposed properly so that it can never again be denied by anyone.
Also my persona I live through now is very much a creation of the tech that is used daily to manage the public and myself as an individual Target. It has been formed via what seems to be the norm of what is forced on me during the day. Daily I am rendered docile as well as feminine and stupid- my intelligence is not as readily available to me as it is after midnight. So I have played along and formed a persona that can get things done while I work on what is real internally. All I am doing is using the ruins of the internal programming system under my own Will and to survive prosecution in the society I exist in right now as it is very very oppressive and destructive. This of course is extremely painful internally as I am always aware of and containing the pain, suffering and memories of the true situation.

This is what behavior modification does to people and it is the reality of mechanisms of behavior modification. The only difference is that in order to fulfill my agenda I keep my real Self alive along with recorded history as well as refuse to totally take part in activities that would seal me off in this persona, which would be considered a truly successful behavior modification of a person I assume.

There is a difference between behavior modifying a person that needs such deprogramming and re conditioning and someone who is programmed and compartmentalized. For some reason the theory of the gang stalking system seems to be that if they destroy enough of the internal programming structure as well as put the person through normal severe behavior modification/brainwashing program that somehow this will result in a totally reprogrammed and modified human being.
The system is totally barbaric due to its insisting on destroying inner structures instead of re arranging them in respect to the art works that they are. This is a typical military approach as in destroy then occupy then introduce the norms from the conquers culture. It would be like trying to build a new art museum by bombing the old one and occupying it then demanding it become a Starbuck's instead. This might work if it were a building but we have here a human Will and a spirit. Both of which this system seeks to crush due to them both simply being in the way of thier goals. You see how this is oppressive and evil. And becuz its all internal and I still look ok and the outside, even with health problems becoming worrisome, your average member of the public believes that I will be allright, that I will come out if it someday and why dont I just go to school or get a job. Alot of people have no idea of the levels of torture. Those that do you can tell as they look at you as if you are indeed very damaged but still they are all afraid to help you. That is why this is so hopeless regardless of the stupid perps who try to get out of responsiblity by telling me that the difference between me and all the other homeless is that "You have hope". NO its just taking longer to destroy me, do so much physical damage that I become truly mentally ill or drive me to suicide.

I simply put off suicide to get an expose written. How is that 'hope'? This is how sick, delusional and in denial this society really is. Its all about perception based on physical looks. Which means if hte gang stalking system can keep torturing you and hiding it behind the way you look or carry themselves they will keep doing so til you are dead. And the same people that wrote you off as having hope will never wonder what happened to you when you are dead.

I had informants at Pine St telling me that they dont put suicides on the news, just saying that out of nowhere in 2006. Why is it so important to keep my body alive?

What they also might be doing is testing or just using this system that allows a human being to be tortured and to get through horrible circumstances. More connected to building the superman, which would make sense considering my mother's status as a survivor of the MK Ultra connected experiments. Becuz as I recall that is something the Nazi's were very interested in. And its something that I am sure the US military is very interested in.