I think I may have screwed up my staying in this area. I was tired and trying to save money to get a room so I didnt take my first of the month rest somewhere inside. I ended up really losing it and insulted some kids that seem new to the area. I just didnt recognize them. Yes, a slur was involved. But from my perspective, any of these people should be amazed that I havent done more than go off and be nasty for just a few moments. Considering what I have been through it could be so much worse, for myself or a recipient of rage. This is why the perps in on the system try to mark the person as dangerous. Due to the fact that they know damn well that there is an effort to force the person to snap. Its a total frame up.
Of course these are just kids so they dont even know what pressure is about. Also, they are from this area obviously so once again, they have no idea how f*cked it is in the rest of the US and how easy life is here and how many services and privileges there are.
They also are new to being around here. And mostly they are of a totally different generation.
One that has pushed PC to the point of people not understanding how to deal with real life. People have been so coddled by this protection of this expected ettiquete that when a prickly situation arises in real life, they are totally unprepared.
Its interesting how they reacted. I mean of course when I realized they were 'family' or from the street kid population I apologized and told them I do NOT mess with 'family' out here. Of course being from generation Millenial as well as Cambridge or Boston they did not appreciate an individual point of view or have understanding. Thier first reaction was to turn to 'the crowd' instead of dealing with ME the individual and start asking them "do YOU agree with that? Do YOU see it that way" to each person. I stopped this conformist, mob loving bullshit from this generation raised in daycare like communists, to think only in group think, and got up and physically moved towards them, cut out the third guy who had nothing to do with it and only had something to say about this due to him also being of that ethnicity and once again faced the two boys as well as made it crystal clear my position, my intent and apologized once again.
This of course was not enough and they proceeded to look all butt hurt and say "It shouldnt matter where you're from". I once again stated my position and made my apology clear. It seemed like it was enough. I then realized if I was that stressed out, I was losing it and proceeded to go to a hostel and get a rest. Which means I must have been very compelled by what I had done. I actually recall realizing that the state I was in was not good.
NOW, in order for me to come to that realization to get some rest, I had to unfortunately let off steam inappropriately first. I have become a very stubborn warrior type that does not allow myself anything but the rest I need to keep going. Like a tank that needs just enough gas to keep going and nothing else.
I have to allow for this area to be extra stressful due to the heavy emotional toll it take no me now as well as has taken on my from the beginning of me being pryed out of my life and basically abducted by this system.
Tonight these kids came into the pastry/coffee shop. They STILL looked butt hurt but now it does seem silly to me becuz I explained myself and apologized. Its hard for me to live in this world of fighting this system, and you have no idea just how hard one has to fight when you are Targeted (unless yer a TI also , obviously). The pressure to fight, win, resist AND have a normal front as well as compartmentalize all the bad things or severe abuse is almost inuman in its stress levels. You get to a point in this system, especially if you have been through human experimentation which is probably the most mind blowing and scary thing of all that occurs, where when you are out of it, or like now in a place fairly safe from the worst horrors of it- you are afraid of nothing. People look at me now as if they think I am going to be afraid and i just look through them. I dont know if I like this part of me now. Its frighteningly inhuman. And its not an alter. This has become part of the real me. I dont even know if the real ME exists anymore.
Its so convenient after so much has been done to the person to simply claim they must be mentally ill. Which might be easy if my mother was not a survivor of radiation experimentation along with MK Ultra and if I was not connected to the people I was in the old days..or my uncle's old associates....or my mother's...or my dad's family. The options for how 'heavy' this may be realistically on many levels are many.
And my story is logical. Know too much= silenced victim witness. Its that simple. I was told to my face it was amazing how heavy handed these bastards were being in letting me know I was "inconvenient".
I have to think of where these kids are coming from...they only see thier hurt and insult in this and to thier generation this sort of incident is unheard of or criminalized. It is odd however due to the street usually having different rules compared to the world of civilized people. If they really were street kids they would have done one of two things: immediately gone after me physically or understood that I just had enough and lost it. An apology like the one I gave as well as my honesty is sort of rare out here...Harv Sq does have an old school ethic about it. Self policing as well as stand-up guy or girl attitudes still prevail.
I was told last year some girl got raped and thrown over a bridge by the invading homies or gangs and there has been effort to clean up the place due to it getting just too ugly.
However I get the feeling that whoever protects me through this will do so again. If they try anything they wont live very long. They dont seem to be those kinds of kids but you never know what boys are thinking when thier power has been insulted. Boys are males and unfortunately arent men yet so dont understand females fully. This younger generation seems very intolerant towards females typical bs. I feel my grandfather's WW2 generation may have been the last generation to truly appreciate the emotionally driven, illogical female for what she is: a woman. They seem very intolerant of 'whores' and 'bitches'. Men from other cultures and older men from this culture seem to love women for being a total mystery, a bit difficult and acting unpredictable or without sense. This is very sad. Its like men are no longer men and we are not allowed to be women. Equal rights is great but we will never be men and I am fully in acknowledgement of that. I jsut wish women were allowed to be women and still have power not act like men. Its really confusing and terrible out there now.
I suppose this is why I prefer the primitive traveler types. They seem to naturally understand our limitation as females but respect any power we may have. Its so much easier than the bizarrre, fake set ups and rules in civilized society especially now. People are being conditioned to totally not live in reality. What are those kids going to do if they do downsouth or to northern Cali? Places I have been where people are NOT as willing to bow to PC as here.
When I flipped out in Berkeley it was the blacks who understood the pressure. It was they who said they understood, that I was in the street but I was trying to accomplish something so I had little tolerance for bullshit. The hippies had pissed me off I think as I had not learned to be around others and then when it was necessary be totally focused and removed from them to do MY work. NOW a bomb could go off and I just keep typing, unphased.
When I rode through the ghetto today on the wrong train, as usual it was the people from these areas who were most polite. I meant to write a piece on this earlier today- that they seem to always know how to mind thier own business when the bastards in places like Cambridge or downtown on the train take pleasure it seems in being nosy and making it obvious that you are just so dirty poor. I satisfy myself by thinking about how they are allowed to make money but I can write and they, most likely cannot.
As usual I just have to ignore these things that come up. I cant allow anything to stop me. I must stay where I am and get my medical taken care of. I need my allergies controlled so I can get medical stuff done. I am finally realizing that since that Bactrim induced all sorts of food and other allergic reactions I am pretty fucked health wise.
That outburst let me know that I am just too stressed out and its all about being in denial about my health issues. Its just that people in the medical field including dentists (mostly thier secretoaries) have literally terrorized me in past years it make me not want to even try.
