“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Revisiting the 90's

I was looking at YouTube and wanted to rip this vid I like but it won't rip (the Steal My Body Home below). Started to look up other titles from this album.

It brings me back to when our generation was younger. I kept thinking what a time of possibility it was. And how much artists about the same age as me spoke for me, felt the way I did expressing this beautifully through thier music.

There is a sensitivity and an elegance, attention to detail that isnt calculating or cold but gives to the pieces, as well as a dip into darkness, loneliness and..despair but that is private. And we respected each others hurting spots and bonded over these without saying it overtly.

After the break with continuum and often it seems, a straight line through sane reality, I find myself here in this spot in time after years of confusion through gang stalking and the Bush reality, which has to be a nightmare in line with Hitler's time, but no one is willing to admit that yet. For we are still living through it.

The continuum I wrote of. Its as if some of us have been taken by the gs system and kept in a place where most people dont have to exist and by this altered greatly. There is a break between the life and world I remember- in this music and even looking at someone from my generation, a familiar face. Other people have mentioned that people from the same generation have similar faces or a spirit of that generation comes through in many faces of that era.

How our faces have changed and how we have had to become so dishonest to who we really are and what we were supposed to become to survive in the post Bush/Obama change years.
Its like the system cut many of us off from a continuum of our own lives, our own generations time line. Interuppted. All these other generations think they have it the worst. But we have never gotten a chance to get any peace for very long, unless we were shooting dope.
We always get leaned on or put upon by other generations and we just adapt and go on quietly. Its so cruel.
I believe that those that made it out in the 90's by dying may have been the luckiest. At least they moved on.

No doubt there are traitors in my generation. People like Coregan who once said some unkind words about another artist. I doesnt matter who, its usually another gen xer who died or didnt sell out with the changes. I notice that anyone who did usually disses their peers. Gen X hides behind sensibility even though more than anyone we have seen the progression of how ridiculous this is getting and has been for years.

Many of us didnt expect the system to cause an earthquake of sorts- an upheaval to get thier way..to get influence back. The reigns firmly back in thier hands again.

Listening to this and the way kids are now and the music they listen to, even the alt stuff- it seems like having deep sensitive emotions is inconvenient nowadays.

It seems as if there is a movement to reduce the complex inner dimensions of human beings such as through emotions, mind, soul. If yer going for enslavement of mankind I assume this would be one way to do it. Reduce the amount of energy produced by people, cut down their awareness of inner dimensions, inner worlds. Create thier inner worlds for them like creating a false environment in a building nowadays. Dont allow humans to naturally create their own inner environments. Now that is control.

Many of us were never allowed to move on from this phase of youth into adult hood or middle age. Never healed properly, never fully understanding who we were and why we were. The system seems to find emotions inconvenient and would rather slash and burn people to quick heal them superficially, so that we can get going back into living life and move on, towards this progress for the future that Obama seems obsessed with.

This is total mind control - trauma based mind control. So traumatized that we just submit and so numbed that we no longer feel anything. During this time then suggestion is brought in such as lets forget what Bush did and move forward, look towards the future- progress. The future is what is important.
Why must we be so ushered into 'the future'? If you can come out of the deep freeze of mind control tactics for a moment you will think logically. You will then see that the reason we must be made to focus on the future so intently and exclusively, is so that the people of the US as well as the world dont think about the past.

If we let go of the past it will be the end of humanity and what we as individuals were really supposed to become. There is no way that the person I am now is who I really am without severe interference from outside forces.

As I write this I understand now why I am targeted. Not only am I a child of a human radiation experimentee but I can describe the inner workings of high level programming. I also realize that this future that we are going into has alot of connection to what is in my past as well as others with the same predicaments. The mind control tech as well as systems that have to do with MK Ultra, programming and what originated as Nazi war criminals research brought to the USA to be further worked on, has a very heavy imprint in the future many people are trying to bring in now, under the guise of a great and wonderful new world or future.

People are so messed up from years of traumatization they either cant see it or wont. Not everyone would under normal circumstances but the amount of people not seeing or acting out on seeing this is far too high to be random or normal chance.

To face a future where my hard work now will only result in me being labeled mentally ill and being systematically ignored for the duration but will probably result in what one perp promised if I follow through on my expose/novel: "You'll face a life of loneliness if you tell the truth about what happened".

A life of loneliness I can deal with. A life of never getting satisfaction from revenge on enemies and betrayers much less any acknowledgment of my life being destroyed is going too far. Even some of the believable stuff no one seems to care about. I cannot believe how totally abandoned I am being, how many people in this country are into whatever this is connected to gang stalking and harassment.
Its as if they are insistent on behavior modification or I dont get acknowledged. How could the world change that much during Bush? It doesnt make any sense at all.

One part of this system keeps marketing an untrue version of my life or who I am and then covertly works on and leans on me with hardcore behavior modification tactics to force me to forget what was done.

Its the most outrageous thing I have ever experienced. And people really are convinced I believe a good portion of society, that I am merely mentally ill. This makes getting one's message across nearly impossible.
I refuse to believe that this system can rob someone of thier life so completely. Suck the person's life force and make them a non entity.

There is a difference between growing old naturally and then understandably wishing for one's younger days opposed to what has happened to TI's.

If you read my next OnG post you'll see that we now live in a country where people are part of this system of psychological warfare. Its not normal. None of this is normal. Especially what happened to me today.

When I listened to these few songs I became less..focused on the gang stalking as I usually am everyday..every minute of the day. The nervousness and fear left me. I felt in line with who I really was at one time. How I was growing, maturing into an adult.
At 26 I had reached a level of adult hood where I was vastly different from the messed up kid I was before mostly due to my family.
Something happened after I got clean. I went to live with my grandmother and my mother also moved in- it made me regress and I endured more abuse. This destroyed much of what I had done in my 20's to become independent of them. This is also when I became targeted by the gang stalking system, around 1997 or maybe 96.

Getting clean and sober in a society that criminalized drug use and totally invalidates the lifestyle and its experiences especially using 12 steps which is cult mind control, turns out to be very dangerous to the newly clean person. You are so under the control and are of the cult of NA and no one is taking care of you the way they should a person who is physically still in need of medical care as well as now has severe psychological repercussions. Demonizing drug addiction is one of the most single harmful health issues to human beings. Its the same idea as penalizing homeless people by demanding in shelters they get up at 6 am even if the facility is not kept quiet at night for sleeping. Both situations are penalized by a capitalist society with a hard work ethic, as if the parties involved are out having a good time while you are working.
Its so..unbalanced.

People use drugs for reasons that this society doesnt want to deal with and THAT is why self medicating or naive attempts at self healing are penalized morally. Its on surprise that herion addicts become the biggest health nuts after getting clean. All along their addiction they are thier own and other's junkie nurses anyway. Dope fiends might just be the most natural of blocked and lost healers...if only they could get through that more-dangerous- than-death layer of anger.

The gang stalking system and its totally unethical, violent, destructive behavior modification system serves only to get rid of this anger and everything behind it, to force the person into 'growing up', moving on and forgetting why they were angry in the first place.
Just like behavior modification camps it serves only to erase memory and erase the person so that the parents, the community and other parties responsible for thier original traumas dont have to be held responsible for thier actions in the end.

The fact that an entire society can be convinced that the target deserves this treatment and that is a cover story, when actually what this system is doing is covering for the persons original abusers is the scariest thing.

Unfortunately for me I believe that the whole thing was set up from my birth. The idea that at a certain time my foster mother called my mother and said on the phone "Its time you take her back" as if it were part of the programming schedule. And then at a certain event or time, my grandfather dying, my mother seems to have snapped- turned into a total power hungry beast out of control. She even seemed to take on something demonic about him that existed in him, but I never saw it more clearly than the day my mother exhibited carrying it on, in 2003. Shortly thereafter I started to experience my first layer of suicide programming. And she was up to something I could just tell.

What I dont understand is why some of us seem to be able to wake up and understand our situations and even become self programming while others just remain half asleep and respond to programming only. My mother is either still so programmed that she truly doesnt know half of why she does what she does or she has been targeted into complying from years of harassment. She did turn to me and say "Sometimes...you just get tired of fighting". But I dont understand this statement.
My mother was much more highly damaged than I was. The chances of her escaping this system and its hold on her is nil. She was always scared and looking for allies, usually people like me she was more recently making enemies out of.

What I hate about this system is that it seems to mistreat an entire family. What would start such a thing years back anyway?

Just listening to Chemical Brothers from those days. Its funny how the kids in the retro picture are an example of exactly what I decided to do in response to being harassed: hit the road like our parents.

They are trying desperately to turn me into either June Cleaver or Polly Pureheart...or the totally opposite direction. I am sure the purpose of attempting to make me revert to something that depraved is so that I will come out of it a total Christian or clean and normal- totally fearing life and its adventures.

Why do I get the feeling that this is my families attempts to white wash me and use my blonde, Christian ordained minister, genetic engineer cousin as a front so no one ever knows how f*cked that family was. Its creepy who much it seems like someone is trying to get me to match my cousins level so that the cover up is complete. That is more creepy than being driven into depravity ever would be.

I recall this band. Good album and like everything good they never got the attention they deserved.

There was nothing wrong with me having a loner type way of existing. I had made peace with that years ago. I was healing, I was growing. What is wrong is the loneliNESS that has been created by a campaign so destructive, so viscous that no one BUT a self loving, self caretaking loner could have survived it.

But its so typical this system came after me just when I had learned to love a man, make peace with a parent, leave an old friend and walk away from a dead alter ego and the craft that went with it. The gang stalking system leaves nothing of the person.
They are not crazy, they dont deserve it. No one does.

The older women I see at this day drop in place, they are appalled at the way young people dont care about anything. That they can laugh at Family Guy. They are correct it is training to be insensitive to other human beings. My generation can navigate this kind of entertainment due to understanding its reactionary crap and is parading as being provocative, but to the young it is a training tool.

The world is not going downhill due to simply it being that way or end times. Its been purposely engineered that way. These are not random events.

To be honest its the obsession with using tech to make up for everything that is now
wrong with society as well as allowing an entire generation to be raised fully immersed in it cant be helping either. The fact that I gain immediate respect in my disheveled state when I pull out my beat up netbook cannot be a good sign.

The most bizarre thing is that everyone is just letting me fall to pieces and not doing anything about it. Its so...totally unexpected I guess. Maybe they just think I am losing my mind over time. Its the best cover story yet. Its not very sympathetic however to allow me to see pity so frequently.

The Truman Show Syndrome thing is also very damaging, and yes I get this too depending on the location. Which just goes to show that every person that suffers from this condition is probably targeted.
I didnt imagine the gangs stalking thats for sure. I did not imagine the absolute magnitude of this either. Across the USA? Its ridiculous. That is not normal. Nor is it harmless. I recall that Jake was pulling something towards the really bad years of it in that apartment I was in. One of those assholes from NA, who was part of the drug busts and that mob crowd that retired down there (they hand out a few lambs and useful idiots let the important people go undetected Boston is bullshit and not event he feds are going to those types. Its a joke.) replied to my suspicions with "Well its not hurting you". Well you fat creepy pedo (hugger Mark) its 2010 and I live out of a back pack. How is this not a bad scene?

Its also unbelievable that in my case this leads back to war crimes becuz it is really more about my connection to MK Ultra through my mother being a radiation experimentee as well as obviously trauma based mind control programming for tasks such as courier etc. For most people to accept that I am just unfortunate and Jake with friends pulled off some kind of fun reality show starring his crazy ex or whatever is the worst cover story I have ever heard of. It also serves the purpose of making the public believe that the US is no longer a law abiding place.

The reason it was easy to target me so heavily is probably that deep into the legal hole on this case, there is something about 'In the interest of national security' just like with ever other survivor of programming.

The illusion is that the Boston cops or Jake and friends can do whatever they want. That is utter bullshit. These f*ckers worked in the interest of the dirty tricks dept and programming was at the center of it. They arrange it legally somehow I know they do. I know the way these people think. But it creates this 'down the rabbit hole' illusion that its a lawless society. Its not. The common folk just dont understand what is really behind what seems like picking on some stupid girl whos amusing and 'crazy'.

My mother being connected to MK Ultra is all I needed to hear or figure out to finally be satisfied with all events. The truth is alot more satisfiying than some smoke and mirrors game brought out by the shills of the dirty tricks dept. They gain street cred when really they just have all thier asses in the air for the sleaziest and most inhumane, rogue factions connected to govt in this country. NO ONE does what they did to me and does it without the govt noticing. And the sh*t that happened to me out in the southwest and around the USA after I left MA is definately not anyone independent of a body GOVERNED in this country by some chain of command. When you realize how much money this takes, years later all you can think of is ' black budgets'. Its the only thing that makes any sense.