“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Relief Today

Wow I have been given some relief. 4pm exactly. No more ideations, intrusive thoughts, brainwashing, suggestions etc etc. Haven't felt this great in years during the daylight hours.

All day today in Central Sq especially I had experienced ideations of 'no one is going to believe you' dont waste yer time writing the book. Its hopeless its useless.

Shame was very present today as well as lots of self disgust. Weakness.

Didn't see that cop in the green truck. Only one cop did a drive by and messed with me but that is Central Sq for you.
They don't act up like this in Harvard Sq..aren't they the same precinct? I don't get it.

I think the reason that black cop in the green Blazer truck makes me so uncomfortable is due to an incident when this all came down in early 2000's. I was in Central Sq and this cop messed with me I didnt know it was a system back then so I reacted and he called me over to the squad car. He took off his glasses during conversation and said "I'm looking right into your eyes" (so what dude. WTF is that supposed to do. yer ugly and fat, how could that possibly help you right now?? Duh.) He then proceeded to continue to attempt getting a date with me and I told him I only date artists. He tried to give me his card and like the lawyer in the Godfather I didnt take it as that would indicate I might contact him.
He was a chubby white guy middle aged. He finally realized that it wasn't happening "So you really only date artists? If I were an artist you would go out with me?" so he kind of got the point and began to respectfully back the f*ck off. However his ugly big black partner in the seat, also well out of his twenties, pipes up and says in an accent very faintly reminiscent of southern ancestry "Now Rachel, (stutters a tiny bit), we DEMAND you go out to dinner with us". Upon that note I felt it was only right to let the officer know that I may be viewed as white trash but this is STILL Cambridge MA not the Berry. I reminded him he was in a public place and people were watching. Suddenly he realizes just where he is and just what it may look like speaking to just who is speaking too and of course backs down.

So the reason that that guy in the truck bugs me so much is I am never sure if its that ballsy totally out of line black cop from that day many years ago, of which obviously I cant forget about until this is all resolved in some way. Ahh, just one more memory to add to the PTSD super files of memories that keep running over ever day and torturing me I am sure they are hoping into suicide.

That green truck cop also looks at me sometimes like I am really stupid or something like this path I have chosen to fight and to tell my story is foolish. I don't understand what he may be thinking but it certainly consists of someone only aware of the cover story and not the whole story as I am far from stupid about my choice of action and my being in the streets as a traveler with much of my sanity and health intact is faring much much better than other MK related persons who usually end up snuffing it early on.

I am not going anywhere until I get revenge and payment for what was mine.