“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Oops, I forgot something..

I forgot to add something. Yes its quite possible that my mother didn't get chased away and decided to keep any money she got a secret or worse she collected money under my name as well and just decided to go along with me being targeted or had me targeted.

You've got the think this way you know. Especially with a family like mine.

I just wonder what that art teacher who was in on it meant when he said she was sick. Well, wtf did she do then?

Everyone thinks that keeping everything from me is the best option. I have seen what people really think which is that they can get off on the cheap with how many people f*cked me over in this by throwing me into this maze and then leaving me for dead to find my own way out. Thats supposed to be good enough. And if I am tortured within an inch of my life, and threatened all the time, then finally finding some kind of life or peace would seem good enough- if you bought into being brainwashed.

But what lawyer is going to touch this?

If you ever want me to give up here is my demands: Full disclosure of what everyone did to make an ass of me and the motives involved..OTHER than Jake, Julie and my mother being three of the most co dependent, greedy, arrogant pieces of shit I have ever met in my life who all tried to destroy me and failed. I also would like to know just who helped save my ass- it would be nice to know.

I also want a totally fair psych evaluation, not lies and deceptions and stale mating like from Dr Emmerich or Pearlman in Brighton. Those two twisted b*tches should have their licenses pulled. Especially the little Jewish girl who pumped me for info about where Lorianne/Lori went to then threw it in my face that I was probably making up the stories of harassment for attention. I will get that b*tch as well as everyone else on the list. Programmed minds are photo mem, audio mem and video memory capable. And you cant 'un'damage the brain stem that fast or as much as you would need to destroy everything.

I want to finally be validated by a complete looking over of my medical and testing of 335 Washington St and finally have the case tried in court properly. If not due to it being past the available time to do so I want Olnick and especially the Pettitis held responsible for thier disgusting abuse of low income people and HUD funding. Slam them to the wall as hard as you can. Busting OLNICK for having a politician from Harlem use one of their apartments as an office was good. Believe me I appreciated it, but its not enough. It was enough to bring me slightly back from the brink of jumping into the grave but I am never going to be finished with them.

Does anyone understand just how horrible this has been? To have that many people turn on you at once? And if you want to rationalize it the way Scott did by saying "You (have eccentric habits in the privacy of yer own home), and that scares people" then you can go to hell. This system made me come up with creative coping skills to survive.Thats what smart, creative people do with trauma.
Also, I recall going to therapists for years that wouldn't help me and didn't want to deal with my deeper issues. I was always getting dicked around by therapists so when the gang stalking was making me nuts over many years time, I just had to be more creative. I never realized that all those rude people that pissed me off everyday were not only very abnormal for a person to have occurring in thier lives but they were just perps. Its so funny now that Targets know what they are and we have developed a system to counter thier bs- to look back at how much control they had over us before. I spent so much energy every day freaking out on people, not wanting to go out during the day anymore. I was terrorized for years and didnt even think it was abnormal.
Jake may be an idiot but if it werent for him cluing me in that people do NOT get treated that way normally as well as telling me that it was obvious my family had written me off I wouldnt be alive today..which is one of the only reasons that he is still walking around. That and I will always love the asshole. No one can replace him.(What disturbs me is how much power he has gained due to my being destroyed. My life was bad before I met him but not this bad. It shouldnt be..the way things are now. He shouldnt have that much power.Like the rest of this timeline things are very off. He doesnt deserve that much support from a huge power structure. If he didnt want to be busted then he shouldnt have been fucking around. There is no way that I should have suffered as much as I did just becuz he's a guy and has sympathy from a bunch of other guys. Most likely for telling only one side of a story or leaving his part out all together. I refuse to accept that he was that connected to begin with. Someone picked his ass up and used him as an excuse to destroy me totally. A symbol to evoke that much hatred towards me. They needed a symbol and in him they got one. I had a life before him that included being targeted so why should the circumstances change that much just due to his presence? It shouldnt. Another sign that something is very off. Its as if I dont exist outside of my enemies in this time line. And I absolutely refuse to believe THAT is the truth. What I need is to get to that book and put it out. Then there is something of me out there. What they have done in using him was very clever. I am totally undefined by my own hand and he has defined our situation along the way or at least in bringing me down orginally when all this shit came down. He must have some people on his side that are connected to some power- metaphysical power. But still I existed independently before he. Literally if you take into consideration I am older than him. I highly suspect that whoever used him to destroy me is more interested in something metaphysical or some sort of spiritual warfare opposed to me being this evil woman type of person.Its also about probably the umpteenth rock and roll girlfriend this scum trade has destroyed..I wonder if my programmers meant for me to be that degraded. That I am to be put underneath the likes of Jake and some other rich kids into..whatever. He hasnt won. I just havent wielded my sword yet. No mere male of this species is going to take me down with the assistance of other males then define me and place me below them. Then we really must be at war then. Cuz it cant keep being like this. That is the very definition of Armageddon. When men gang up in some covert war against females to run them back down into before sufferage or some shit. Well then. Its time to battle til death..due to the fact that men dont deserve that much power over the female element.) Everyone also needs to pay for altering me from my original pure form.

Speaking of him getting clean its sad when people get clean and sober they dont fight for who they really are- they let the system bribe them and change them. Its so pathetic. I had other friends sell out instantly in recovery as well. Everyone would give me crap for wanting to know where it was going next. Is there an NA 2? Cuz this is not enuf. I want to grow....not change but grow. Real growth not..some sell out to social acceptability. That is why the original blue book had to be replaced by the green and gold one. One speaks of spiritual growth and the other says "get clean, get a job and get yer shit together. Oh and get over yerself". Total brainwash. I am glad NA escaped me due to being programmed. Anyone who is in there too long is suspect as f*ck anyway.

All three of them are totally disgusting in how they handled what went on. Total cowards. You should have seen my mother's face when this black perp drove by in a very expensive Hummer out of a supermarket parking lot. He had perped me in the milk section just as I was alone for a moment away from her. All he did was bring up some sh*t I had said and did on the road I had just come home from. Things perps on the bus had done or said in conversation. Probably to let me know that I was now being watched by the same people that had me watched and mind gamed on the Greyhound buses. I wasn't scared at all. Either my nature, some DNA or my programming just wont allow it. My programming just did its job by quietly taking it all in while I just looked on dumbfounded. Its a war- a fight. Why is that so scary to people? I just don't get it at all.
She saw the truck leave and the guy wave at me while she was loading some groceries and I told her a bit about what just happened. She was terrified. I never saw her that scared of something. Here she can intimidate and mess up her daughter who loves and trusts her but she cant fight a predator. I was just pissed cuz he disrespected my family unit by messing with me when I was with my mother..but then again its my dad thats Italian not her.

The same thing happened with a police car in St Louis. This guy that was a friend of the hostel owner did the same move my mother did. This reaction like 'I am scared by this and dont want to look at it'. WTF?

I would love to know just how many people in on this that acted like it was about that stupid federal investigation knew it was about me being programmed.

The whole thing in total is so obviously abusive forced deprogramming with a following behavior modification program to make one into whatever good little citizen they want you to be. Totally covers their asses that's for sure.

And of course I want to have some sort of true trial for MK Ultra offenders and a real payout to survivors. My mother has thyroid problems and we are the only two in the family with chronic severe endometriosis (an auto immune disease). Mine started when I was 15 or so. Not normal by any means and I have had a lifetime of insecurity from a scar on my stomach to prove it.

Lets see what else. How about holding that b*tch ex associate of mine accountable for years of overwork or cheating on payment? Can that be done I wonder? Or some other payback might be fun.

See if only everyone had left me alone I would have gone on with my life quietly and become a therapist for people trying to break mind control to get out of the adult entertainment industry and be an artist on the side. But nooo. You wanted to be greedy and get me labeled or kill me or more of an effort was trying to get me to kill myself.

And I want NA castrated. Enough of the gurus and the 13 steppers. Enough of the sick people who get thier ass kissed just due to their connections, family wealth or cult of personality. Disgusting. I want people to be told to get in, get de conditioned from whatever programming makes you an addict (and it is indeed often part of a larger high level programming scheme. Its part of programming that the system hopes will get you killed in yer 20's so that those really nasty layers that come about when yer in yer early 30's dont even have to be used. This is actually why many people cannot get clean. The 12 steps will work to get you off drugs but if yer programmed with an entire internal system, you will of course want to grow more or have many more questions about why things, and you, are the way they are. I believe this is why so many TI's claim that gang stalking moves in on them after they get into recovery.)
Let people know that there is something else if they want it. People with high level programming are not going to want to do the steps over again as the next level of growth.
Besides what was supposed to be a group to work outside the system has now become part of it. The recovery industry has gone too far as with everything that gets connected to the mainstream systems.
Oh and please tell everyone when they get in there that organized crime still has alot of their union scumbags operating in there. Or whatever that was that I had to deal with, predominantly male and very 'regular guy' oriented. I want revenge on those peons too. There are a few that tipped me off that I probably owe my life and sanity. But you can tell they did it out of guilt..the kind of guilt/sick love that pedos have for abused children.

Yeah I deserve like a million dollars for what I have lost and so do many other Targeted Individuals. But as that lawyer said to me about having my lungs and other organs damaged by a moldy apartment: "This isnt yer pot of gold at the end of the rainbow". No its thier first class ticket to hell. Pay up. This guy in Newton told me that was his way of managing client expectation..I hope he was kidding.

I need to find a lawyer that isn't scared and likes going up against odds like this. Either that or a foe of my enemies is a friend of mine someone who is also pissed off at the same people or structure.

I am tired of all the 'smilers', to steal from a blonde b*tch's words. At first they were smirking but now its these ridiculous smiles to handle Targets with. Like 'oh nothing is wrong. This is all normal. Everything is fine'. How long are they expecting that to work..ah as long as I am kept under control and half suicidal and in doubt by gang stalking.

Of course there is always the way out that they can all take collectively which is that I am just nuts and none of this ever happened. Which I am sure they will keep pushing for forever. But one can also ask how long can that last? Is the country that far gone? Seriously. How far has it gone into total apathy and helplessness against corrupt authority that they can keep this sh*t up?