“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Monday, July 19, 2010

Saw another ghost today from the past..

Very quiet at MassArt today. No weird interferences or feeling as if I am watched, monitored or engaged with. I have been at this long enough to know its not mental illness. In fact the original circumstances were so obviouly connected to that federal investigation and the people around me playing games that for anyone to believe I am mentally ill at this point would themselves have alot of explaining to do. I notice I dont get to messed with, thats becuz they know if they try to go beyond blacklisting me and having everyone believe I am schizo but leaving me be, if they ever tried to go further- I would have alot of explaining to do about my former employers. And thier clients. So much for mental illness. I wonder what the story is that people believe. Probably that I was always off or mental and thats why I could only function off my looks etc and at a certain age, later in life my 'condition' started to worsen. And people probably believe that. Becuz they are lazy, afraid to challenge authority and selfish. They go along with the plan for me to be just another casualty for progress. Another expendable person. Too lazy or afraid to look at the evidence I provide in all my blogs.

Its very simple: my mother IS a documented human radiation experimentee as her parents were in the Marines. She was treated at a hospital that is also documented as being involved with MK Ultra. My father was harassed and targeted and fed LSD during its popularity as a recreational drug until he deteriorated, his greatest crime was always talking about a secret govt project involving the military, the CIA and my family. With all the collected evidence I can now show he was not wrong in his broad claim...what is interesting is how the system slammed him into the ground for just an innocent claim. Thats becuz they knew there was indeed evidence and records still floating around- like the ones my mother got from Freedom of Information Act that they were about to destroy.
What IS interesting is that the jerks are still pulling the same crap but I notice that there is a new form of justice and awareness that just isnt putting up with cover ups anymore. And so the people are then intimidated into compliance and the victim is not outright destroyed but simply systematically ignored for life.

What is also interesting is that my eccentricities and lifestyle was never a problem when younger when I was really crazy and taking drugs. Thats becuz the police state had not taken hold yet it was still the 90's. Also I was still of use to people who protected me.
But its a bit silly for the system to try to claim or get people to believe that I was so outrageously nuts when in fact I was growing up and putting my life together. Its not what they focused on its the timing that one must take a close look at.

To ignore the conditions in my moldy apartment as well as the stress of a federal investigation around my associates and simply try to frame me as mentally ill is so outrageous that no one would ever believe the claim I was just crazy. But the violence of action is not meant to convince but to coerce the public into compliance..sort of like drug dealers in Mexico taken brutal action- its theatrics to scare thier enemies and to gain the cooperation of civilians.

Today I saw one of those idiots from NA. I pretended not to recognize him due to him being totally meaningless to me, especially as he seemed to be in with Scott's crowd and actually used to help him when I would react to his being abusive..by being abusive or upset. George I think.. He hangs around the same places he has for years. Its nice to see these locals never leave their pathetic hang outs. I just communicated as little as possible. He asked me so I told him, I travel. Upon leaving he said "have a good trip when you leave". In my head I said 'I always do motherf*cker, I always do'. This whole city thinks its going to get away with this. Ruining my whole life and destroying my health and my future. That their cute little codes of silence is all they need to preserve thier innocence. Do you realize how many people in those meetings were IN on this? Also there were many people in on it who warned me as well, one of which warned me in such a manner that it was really obvious that he knew I was headed for a serious run in with sophisticated and very nasty psychological warfare.

Helping Jake is probably the most offensive thing this system has done. I can understand the battle between the military and my mother- them not wanting to pay. Even OLNICK, though Barbara being such a bitch made it more personal, but the thing with Jake- that was not business. This system decided to get very personal upon deciding it was such a great idea to utilize him in the psych warfare campaign.

I am NOT crazy. I simply did not want to be part of that old scene anymore I wanted out. I also wanted to go to school. I also wanted therapists to DO THIER JOBS and not make excuses for why I shouldnt get hypnotized. But the system had to act out of arrogance and make it very personal and not business...which is why now there is a nice fat vendetta in something that should have remained strictly business.

Did these morons actually believe that the war era was going to protect them forever? Did they think about consequences in the future? Or did they just believe that destroying my chance at a future and then systematically ignoring me while the system perpetually hangs a label over my head to keep me in line was going to be the hooray! winning f*ckin formula to end the problem that was ME.

I aint no problem, but I will exist as I was intended and without anything missing or gaps or anything left out. See they want to take so I dont have as much as I did of what was MINE. That simply will not do.

And every moron who is abusive, thinks that attitudes like 'get over yourself' are going to validate the abuse. When the cops are in on something like this as well as the victims family, the assholes perpetrating such a scam actually feel as if the person is OK to destroy as the regular protections a person has in society are no longer present. I guess this illustrates why we have laws becuz humans will just do as they please to other humans if there is no checks and balances or protections...or consequences.

I wonder if Georgy is smart enough to understand MK Ultra, or programming or how the radiation experiments factor in. I guess you dont have to be as smart as the victim- just to be on the winning side is enough for most of the locals. Its obviously all they do. NA was always full of sick people who simply got off drugs but never grew beyond that.
And obviously they will assist in keeping anyone else from growing beyond that- unless of course your family is loaded then, I notice, like in Watertown NA, you can do no wrong. What a bunch of bourgeoisie *ssholes. And the blue collar guys acted like it was a field day for them.
I had seen that NA group destroy people before and its obviously gang stalking and harassment. But I also noted that they just used people up, and the people around that victim, when the perp had dissed them, they would just go back to supporting the perpetrator and their views on the victim would turn very negative. Total turn around. What the hell is going on in those groups anyway? They may seem like a bunch of f*ck ups or rich kids but there is something very organized there as far as being nasty and indulging in covert warfare.

He looked at me the way you always look at the shunned in society. With a bit of disregard, a pinch of hatred and a little respect with a dash of sympathy. ALL of which he can shove. I need no validation from such people. I did nothing more or less eccentric or criminal than any of the jerks in those meetings. They hate me becuz ,simply, I am not the winning team. They hate me becuz I am not on any team at all, I was pretty much destroyed by being isolated.

How is any of this my doing? The actions around me to frame me, destroy me, stifle me, silence me and destroy my health like that moldy apartment were taken against me by multiple parties working in unison. Does this f*cker actually look at me with distain becuz I dared to go up against the system that dared to come after me to destroy me and I fought anyway I could or knew how in my confusion? F*ck this guy and f*ck this whole city...for what it does to people and how screwed up thier thinking is.
Or maybe its just as simple as he is into some shady sh*t and hates women who challenge such a system of exploitation or perhaps he quietly supports the existence of such a system. He certainly supported Scott which I keep mentally noted for life and it registers in my head every time I see him- any and all actions he has taken against me or to help my enemies.
Which means I would just as soon see him dead on the floor than say hi to him.

Becuz for anyone to look at ME, the victim with anything but crowning respect and reverence must mean that you are down with the sick f*cks and nothing less. I remember when he came in once to that club where I bartended, many many years ago when I first got clean. I tried stripping for like a week and hated it. I was kidding about eventually becoming a nun later in life and with conviction he said "No, you were meant to be a sexual woman". It really creeped me out, even at that time. It always stuck with me too- like he was trying to state that this was my fate, to be in the adult entertainment business and I was never going to get out...which is odd due to years later him standing by like the rest of those idiots while this system tries to penalize me for-trying to change my life and go to school.

I treated him with what little respect he deserved, which is like he was stupid, which he and all those other slobs from Watertown are. The jerks from Newton may not be slobs but they suck worse at being human beings.
Its just like Stephen King in all his novels. That little New England town of creepy, cultish selfish jerks who hand over a human sacrifice to save themselves from an oppressor or a monster when it comes calling. I like to think that I can extract a similar scenario of revenge as the characters in his books do on little towns of privilege that think no one is watching- and that debts never need be paid.