“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou

Monday, December 20, 2010

Lost lovers and our tacky collective future

Looking at a networking sight im on, seperate from all of this...a cute 20yr old who insisted...(giggle) guess he likes older, brick house built women. Latin you know. But as is my taste outside of my strict tastes for blondes and Italian brunettes, all 'ethnic' men have to be a very interesting exotic mix. The one before him was Cuban, Irish, German and Japanese. THAT was fun and interesting. There is something very er..special about the way Japanese male bodies are made. Their legs are different and in the mechanics they seem make a mans performance totally different from strictly European males. Alot different.
This one was even more interesting. Egyptian, Irish, German, and some sort of Native American like one of the tribes in lower Mexico..I cant recall if he also said some sort of Slav as well. Irish and German seem to be anchors for my even getting with any male. All the other ethnicities are interesting pluses but it seems those two ethnicities have to be there for anything sexual to occur.
He didnt look Mexican but a bit Native. He mostly looked a bit German with alot of Egypt. I am very picky about males I suppose. And its also the persons spirit as well as compatible DNA. We in our PC world lie to ourselves about genetics. I dont believe that Eugenics is a great idea but I do believe from experience that DNA plays a very important role in who we are attracted to and feel comfortable around. I may very well like a person of African descent or from Africa itself, but beyond pleasant conversation there has to be some anchor for friendship. And no one wants to hear this but its usually DNA based. The woman I made friends with in Cali became quickly tight with me for the very simple reason that her mannerisms and tone of voice matched my mothers perfectly. My mother's father is from the deep south and her original family is from there a generation or two back. Its quite probable we are related. When she was pregnant at the shelter if she was hungry I had this bizarre totally primitive urge to go out and kill an animal for her. Now that is something pre modern civilization for you right there. And nothing was more humorous than the idea of having such a primitive thought in a very modern place like San Diego CA. Of course due to my RA history, right after she gave birth I could no longer speak to her that often and have since stopped all communication with her.'

Ritual Abuse survivors are not selfish mean people you think we are. The system that comes after us and lots of internal programming ensures that we do NOT heal and get the therapy we need. So we are trapped in old behaviors based on deathly fears. There is no way I can make myself talk to her now, I try and it just doesnt work. Childbirth has always disgusted me and any looking at it like on TV makes me want to vomit. The very thought of it, of a woman being able to do that is just disgusting...and frightening. Its unfathomable. I mean, how could you?

When you help the mob to stalk and harass survivors what you do is condemn them or us I should say to a lifetime of imprisonment instead of much needed disclosure and healing. Make sure next time you partake of a bullying or mobbing of a person you look very deeply,even for a second, into the motives of the people pushing this idea. When you start to see the deceivers, the ones how egg on the naive and gullible to do thier dirty work for them by a whisper in the ear, as they grin and scratch thier chins with gleaming eyes, while persuading...then you will have fully seen the reality of our world. Until then you are blind.

This is why so called 'evil' doesnt phase me as much as others perhaps. I understand it or they as a natural part of our world. I think its much scarier to imagine what is beyond in the dark or be lied to about it or ignore it daily.

I look at his new pics he still has a handsome face but hes growing older. His whole life is ahead of him but I know a part of him that is more man than men twice his age which is also interesting. Flings are something I discovered late in life and they are fun but not very fullfulling. Perhaps if I had more of them. Its too late now anyway.

All I can think about is that other dumbass. The one that gets in the way every time I like another male. To think of that one ex, the one this system used against me- as he was. Before the snakes got him and got him good, drained him of any innocent spirit that was present and turned him into the greasy, sleazy piece of industry shit that he is today. Its so so sad. I just look at older pics of him sometimes. I don't know that new person. He is a total fabrication of not only the recovery cult but the false reality that is totally manipulated and influenced events surrounding everyone involved. I know without outside interference,he should no more be as successful as he is as I should be as half dead and destroyed as I am. Destinies were given and taken away very unfairly at that time and each person placed in thier new and unnatural positions are now living out those false roles..created solely by covert activities influencing and manipulating events.

To think that when I die it will be much over him. To think that like a lover from some old very romanticized tale I will probably die of love, a total cliche. At least its a classical cliche- that I can live with. Oops I mean die with..I mean-you know what I mean.

Maybe that NJ mayor on that talk show a few days ago, the blue eyed white/black man...perhaps he was telling more than he meant to be pointing out the concept of all of us in this era of progress having intertwined destinies. And why does that hark of him being arrogant enough to discuss systems that he perhaps should not reveal to the public at all?

The great thing about Prince Hall is that they can turn an Apron into a pimp outfit effortlessly. Just as flashy and tacky as the feather out of the fedora with the long coat over the shoulders, imitation Italian mob style clothes. Its a new era kids. One where the total loss of civility, secrecy and sublty is replaced by a world full of people who refuse to include the word 'tacky' in thier vocabulary due to it being a direct reference to they and all they stand for and act out in life. Also a new and brave era of great fakes and I am not talking about just jewelry.

Anything that had true weight and value is going to be cheapened by this sort of bs.

Welcome to the future. Its not only going to be careless, uncivil and tacky there will no longer be any comparison to that for what is truly precious in value. You can sell people the Brooklyn Bridge a thousand times over and no one will get the joke or the artfulness of it being a con. They will all believe it. There will be no crimes or cons as everyone will be sold the idea that none exist.